My Own Worst Enemy

I'm in a relationship in which he only wants me if I'm wanted by someone else - started flirting with a random internet boy who found me gorgeous, smart, funny, and confident- boy did that light a temporary fire. We talked, and it really seemed like that would resolve things but that was a joke. We had two weeks of sex to rival our early-relationship sex and boy had I missed that, that was wonderful. We started spending a little time cuddling and talking instead of him avoiding me via his computer and phone games and me wallowing in facebook and kindle books from sheer boredom and lonliness. It lasted about 2 weeks.

I think it really hit home that nothing was ever going to really change and that I was right - he's not in love with me and never will be- when I had surgery. The night before the girls leave for girls camp I have an attack of appendicitis. I ask him to take me to the hospital. He does. After a while he leaves because he has things to do at home; take a shower and get ready to take the girls to the camp bus stop. I stay in the hospital- my most loathed and dreaded place- alone. I let him know via text that I need a CT scan and that I'm afraid. He blows off my fear and I have the CT scan alone. He comes back in time to get the results that I will need surgery to remove my appendix and then leaves me again with belittling words at my tears and fear of surgery and a pat on the head as he leaves to wake the girls up and take them. As he leaves he lets me know he has work and no intention of returning. It was my SISTER who rallied the troops. I text to ask if one of them was available to babysit while Lee worked and I got my insides removed. And she checked to see if I had someone there with me not only because she knows me and how terrifying this would be for me, but because that's what you do for family- its what you do for those you love.

She picked up my kids,  my other sister got her husband to stay awake after working the night shift to watch HER kids and then called my step mom and they came to stay  with me while Lee stayed home and SLEPT. He arrived at the 9th hour and then left again to eat so it was my step mom that went with me to the prep room, she held my hand while they asked questions and had me sign paperwork, she kept me occupied while we waited for the anethesiologist. He sat in the cafeteria and ate.

The next day I'm home. I'm trying to get stuff done and not do too much at the same time and he's listing things he has to do this week to prepare for going out of state with his (real) family. Where will I, the girl who's been out of surgery less than 24 hrs at this point be? Ill be home, alone, unable to drive, barely able to walk, taking care of kids, dogs, and the house by myself.

Wednesday he again mentions leaving, and again on thursday while I'm in pain with headaches, nausea, and have had total constipation since leaving  the hospital. His reply to my symptoms? I need to call the hospital to find out how serious it is because he needs to basically know if I'm sick enough to fuck  up his plans. Ladies hold yourselves back- don't let your jealousy overtake you, he's quite the catch. Friday he leaves while I'm throwing up into a bowl. Just walks out the door like; 'See ya, hope you don't have an actual emergency while I'm gone cuz I'd hate to have to clean up the mess a dead body would make'.

No calls, no texts, no concern shown in the slightest while he's gone. And yet I'm still here. In a relationship with a boy that shows concern only if its convenient for him or doesn't fuck with his plans. A boy who only wants me if he's masturbating to someone else and I make a convenient hole or if someone else wants me and he fears he may lose me to them. But at least he gives in to duty once a week and fucks me for me, not because he actually wants me, but because he knows I have a high sex drive. Sweet of him to consider my feelings.

Wish he would have considered those before his diatribe about marrying me after my aunt mentioned it to him, and how that was basically the most distasteful thing he could ever consider. My impression was that if there was me in a white dress  with a preacher on one side and a vat of acid on the other - he'd choose to jump in the vat of acid over marrying me. Never felt so special, loved, and cared for in my life. Really.

And I'm still here. Truth is I will be here until the day I die- quite possibly by my own hand- because I'm pathetic and I'm weak.

Why Marriage is important.

Even a few months ago you never would have gotten this blog from me. I didn't "get" it then, I felt marriage was over-hyped and have for most of my life. This is probably due to my own parents craptastic marriage and hideous divorce coupled with their occasional fights and threats of divorce from their second marriages on top of my own hideous marriage and divorce. I have been in a good relationship of over 5 years with a guy I fell in love with and then ran from back in high-school. Why did I run? Because love scared the crap out of me. It still does in a way. Our relationship works for us for the most part, we have our moments- everyone does - but we work together fairly well. I've been negative on marriage due to my past and hes been negative on marriage because he feels its a raw deal for guys when/if the marriage goes sour.

That was fine with me in the beginning. It wasnt until recently that his attitude toward marriage started to bug me  and my attitude toward marriage started to change.

I realized that I still want what I've always wanted; to share my life openly with the man I love above all others, to share that love with the world, to have my children raised in a loving, solid, stable, legally binding relationship. To not feel like I'm failing them, to not have themselves feel that they're inferior because they're "illegitimate".  To be able to one day be sealed and binded together eternally as a family which can't happen without marriage. I want that most of all - an ETERNAL FAMILY.

And I want respect. I want the respect of the man I love to stop treating me like random selfish bitches he's read about on the internet or heard about from friends. He's SEEN me in action, he KNOWS from first-hand experience (and I would hope his heart would know as well)  that I am not a "rake someone over the coals" person. He KNOWS that the ONLY thing that matters to me is the BEST INTEREST OF MY CHILDREN. Period. And that I will lay down and be a doormat if I think that would ensure their best interests. Not only has he witnessed it first-hand he's personally belittled me for it. So he should know better than to lump me in with those people. Their should be nothing holding him back- except his own feelings -or lack thereof- for me.

So his attitude,  the one that says "I would rather be boiled in oil than ever even  consider marrying you" hurts. A lot. 

Why Does Doing What's Right In Love Have To Hurt So F***ing Much?

Saying goodbye sucks. Whether the relationship is 5 minutes or 15 years- if it was a real relationship with real emotions involved- ending it hurts like a B***! But you know what else hurts? Loving someone whose actions tell you they don't feel the same way, loving someone who disrespects or ignores your thoughts/feelings/concerns on matters that concern both of you and just makes the choice that's best for him/her, loving someone who acts as though you and your feelings don't matter, loving someone who refuses to share important life events with you. Don't fool yourself, don't buy the lip service and don't settle just because you think you should. You deserve better and if they can't be that better then they don't deserve you. Saying goodbye hurts but staying would ultimately hurt worse. Now it's time to work on moving on. For you. Because you're worth it.

Relationship Etiquette

You know, everyone talks about how everything would be so much easier if things in every day life came with manuals such as; relationships, raising kids, etc. So I'm here to make everything better for you. This blog is your relationship manual guide in very simple, easy to follow steps on how not to screw up your relationship. 1.) Don't lie. 2.) Keep your promises. If you say you're going to do something then do it, do not fall back on excuses. 3.) Communicate. This does not mean talk the other person to death, just be open and honest and listen to what your partner has to say as well. If you have a problem talk it out, if you suspect a problem then ask your partner about it and get it solved. No jumping to conclusions or verbally shutting down. 4.) Put the other person's feelings first. A relationship doesn't work when one or more person in it is being a selfish douchewad. Avoid douchewadness by always asking yourself how your partner would be affected by your decisions/actions and also how they feel and what they would want before making any decisions that affect you both. 5.) Be faithful. If you cant keep it in your pants or keep your legs closed then I have a tip for you; stick to one night stands and don't enter relationships. If you end up falling for someone else while already in a relationship then pull up the big boy boxers or the big girl panties and break up with your current partner before screwing your new love interest- it's called respect, you owe them that much. 6.) If you aren't willing to commit then let them go. Living with someone for 5 years but being afraid to sign a paper making it legal is LAME. Stop with the excuses. Either you intend to be with this person for the majority (hopefully all) of the rest of your life or you don't. And if you haven't figured out which it is after 5 years then you're too retarded to live, quite frankly. Stop wasting both your time. Get out and move on or at least allow your partner to do so. 7.) If your feelings change then BE HONEST. Don't start emotionally pulling back and spending less and less time with them leaving them to wonder where the hell they screwed up or what they need to do to change or fix things. It's a waste of time to let a relationship that is already dead for you linger on for months or years just because you're too damn cowardly to speak up. Man (or woman) up and make a clean break. 8.) Don't be a quitter. Relationships take work, they don't maintain themselves. No relationship is perfect. You need to be willing to whether the storms and put your effort in when needed. This may mean talking, going to counseling, living on a budget, etc. But all those things are worth it if you truly love the person you're with. 9.) Don't let it get stale. I don't care how long you've been dating or married, how many kids you have or how little time in the week you have free, date nights are imperative. Sexual ingenuity and spontaneity is also just as important. So is having fun, goofing off and remembering to be friends. 10.) If you don't have trust your relationship is dead in the water. If you break trust but are lucky enough to get a second chance then do 2 things: 1) work your ass off showing that you are never going to be untrustworthy again and 2) realize that trust is not an instant thing- earning it back will take some time. While realizing that respect your partners feelings even if they seem paranoid or irrational, its how they feel and they have a right to feel that way. Help them work through their feelings, because until you do they will not learn to trust you again.

People Are A Complicated Mess Of Ridiculousness...

I will never understand people as a general whole, I just won't, people every day are doing things that I just cant wrap my head around. Some of these things are more tragic than others like murders, abuse, etc but there are plenty of little things that are just as confounding. Take, for example, the following example: We have a female with children fighting a horrific custody battle with her exhusband, her current significant other is constantly berating the selfish actions of the exhusband. Recently the couple was talking and the female made a joke about how breaking up with her would solve whatever it was the boyfriend was complaining about. The boyfriend responded that breaking up wouldn't solve anything because then he'd have to fight a custody battle with her for their daughter and would hate her if she won etc etc etc.... Please explain to me why people feel its ok to vilify one person for actions that they know darn well they would do themselves in the same situation. This guy has nothing good to say about the ex husband talks about how he's a selfish POS for what hes pulling etc but without even blinking, totally serious as a response to a joke with no hesitation he proclaims his intention to participate in the exact same behavior he abhors in the other person if she and he ever break up. This makes NO SENSE to me. That's like crap talking a smoker and refusing to date them then going outside and lighting one up yourself. WTF?

Don't Cross The Invisible Line

We all have one and it's different for each individual but if you've been with someone for awhile you generally know them well enough to at least have an idea of where their invisible line rests. For some people it's as simple as not being a lover of their favorite animal for others its personal space. I fall into the latter category, Im willing to put up with a lot when I love someone but checking my mail, reading my texts, going through my phone or TELLING YOUR OR MY FAMILY MY PERSONAL SHIT that is, quite frankly, none of their damn business does nothing but PISS ME OFF. Am I over-reacting here? I don't think so. My family knows none of the skeletons in my S.O's closet, why? because it is not their skeletons nor any of their business- so why, pray tell, does his family know MY skeletons? Can someone please fucking enlighten me on this? I'm seriously at the point where Im about ready to say fuck my rule about respecting others privacy and having others mind their own business and instead start sharing personal and private secrets that could negatively effect the opinions anyone who hears these secrets used to hold regarding the person whose secrets I would be sharing- fuck turn the other cheek I'm about ready to grab my sword and play "eye for an eye". The limit has been reached. Here's to everyone who's reading this' limits and the hopes that your limits are not surpassed by the people you choose to love.

I almost asked you to marry me today...

So there I am cleaning the house, listening to music and the song "Quitter" by Carrie Underwood comes on. I find myself actually listening to the words instead of just humming along obliviously like usual and I realize that this song epitomizes me, my past relationships and our present relationship. I'm poised to run, almost all the time and you just patiently pull me down from that edge and keep me here where I belong, where I feel comfortable, where I'm loved and happy. In a moment of what can only be termed as temporary insanity, I hopped on youtube to find the song, in my head is typing out the comment I'm going to leave with it when I post it to your facebook wall; something along the lines of "I'm so glad I'm no longer a quitter, Lee David Toland will you marry me?".Sometime between hopping onto the computer and typing the song title into google, cooler heads prevailed. I realized how humiliating it would be to have to explain to the entire "public" that had witnessed the display that you had turned me down, or even worse patted me on the head with a condescending look and tone the way you did when I told you about my conversation with Kylene and how I had thought of proposing to you that day. "That's really cute but..." is not what a girl wants to hear when she lays her heart on the line. So for now I remain content to be forever your live-in girlfriend, but I'll be staying away from Carrie Underwood songs for a while...I won't lie and say that things like this don't cause all sorts of doubts to run through my head but I'm trying to work through it. I think we are both worth the work, and so is our love. I know you have to do way more work because I'm a hell of a lot more frustrating to you than you are to me, of course part of that is just because I don't allow myself to become as easily frustrated as you do. I do appreciate all the efforts you make just in putting up with me and I'm sure our daughter does as well. I love you but I won't be proposing to you any time soon.

Tired of Being Broke...

If I had a nickel for every time I heard a someone utter the above statement I would give Bill Gates "worlds wealthiest person" competition. Currently Bill Gates has no worries in that department and I really have no opinion on whether that is a "fortunate" or "unfortunate" thing because I am honestly not of the mindset that wealth solves problems, unlike the "I'm so tired of being broke" "If only I won the lottery" people are. There are hardships that come with living hand-to-mouth or paycheck to paycheck and I would be the last to deny them as I've been living hand-to-mouth pretty much my entire life. But living is honestly all about perception, mindset and attitude. I have had a good fulfilling and happy life, I seriously have, despite living below the poverty level without government handouts for 90% of the past 15+ years. I have been able to have quality time with my family, they know I love them and vice-versa, I have been able to give my children toys, clothes, food and fabulous birthday parties every year, they get to go fun places like the park, zoo, disneyland etc. All it takes is budgeting, lots of planning and the patience to wait 1-2 years for the bigger more expensive activities while i scrimp and save little bits of each paycheck to afford those things. I'm willing to wait and willing to scrimp and save because I want them to have these experiences and I know there is no other way for me to offer them that. Complaining and saying "if only" or even worse; taking a piss-poor attitude around with me everywhere I go and letting that effect my relationships and life is pointless, selfish and self-destructive. I would love to have more money and I'm actually working my butt off to try and make that happen because that is the only way it WILL happen: by me working my butt off and going out, putting myself out on a limb and TRYING. There is no "get rich quick" scheme or "instant millionaire" packet out there I can use or do to get rich overnight. EFFORT is the only way to do it. I have come up with some products I think may sell so now I am doing what I can to slowly buy the ingredients and make the products, once I have some stock I will make a website and a business page and begin promoting and selling my products. I'm also finishing the 15+ books I have in different progress stages. Once those are finished I will be selling them in online form through kindle on amazon. And I'm continuing in my housekeeping until I have enough money through my other efforts to quit. I may never rival Bill Gates in the bank account department but in the fulfilled-life, happiness, family and satisfaction departments I'm pretty sure I can give him a run for his money. :)

Watch your Hypocrite

Seriously. Watch when, where, how, and who you're throwing out the word "hypocrite" at. Tonight I got told that an action I took YEARS ago was "self centered" and "hypocritical" and you know what? I say to that person take your "self-centered" and "hypocritical" and shove it up your own ass. Because I personally feel the self-centered hypocritical one in the situation was you. When a situation occurs that hurts another person in your life with whom you have any sort of relationship no matter how intimate then continuing that course of action in the face of their pain is, IMO, extremely self-centered. To not only put your feelings/wants/thoughts first and ignore their pain but to expect them to also ignore their own pain and their own boundary limits just so you can continue to do what you want is also hypocritical. The best part here though is that when the situation occurred and you were told the other person experienced emotional pain you stated that you would cease said action. You then proceeded a few months later to participate in said action a second time which resulted in another "I dont want to hurt you I wont do this anymore" statement, then a third with another useless statement. The fourth such occurrence which was also an escalation of the previous three and done at one of the most inappropriate times possible prompted an ultimatum to be made. It was not until after this ultimatum that your original promise to knock off the completely selfish and disrespectful behavior was finally kept, yet the ultimatum was apparently a "self-centered" and "hypocritical" act. Really? Because I find lying and word-breaking to be the far more unforgiveable asshole-like sin here. Just sayin'

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

There's a reason why certain sayings become cliches.... Because they're true. What do I mean when I say actions speak louder than words? It's simple, make sure that the things that you do reflect the things that you say. For example if you say you are an honest person you then need to be honest don't go stealing, covering up others unscrupulous actions or lying because the stealing, lying etc will rat you out as the DISHONEST person you are.

Do what you say you will do. If you say that you will be an honest and faithful significant other then make sure you are doing so. If you commit to a certain night of the week being couple time or family time or make a specific date night then be sure to keep that commitment and be on time always except in the case of dire emergencies.

Promises, plans, and keeping your word are important things, if you can't do those things then you cant be trusted as someone that another person will want to invest time, energy and love into. SO don't make promises or plans or give your word unless you mean it and you plan on actually following through. If you don't follow through you are nothing more than a liar after-the-fact.

Good luck in life and love. <3

Tissy Fits Are For 12 Year Old Girls

Stop getting all bent out of shape at the term, yes even males can have tissy fits and a tissy fit by any other name is still a tissy fit so call it whatever you want, brooding, stewing, etc etc but knock it off.

Let me clarify what I mean by "tissy fit". Your significant other ticks you off, instead of growing some balls (or putting on your big girl panties, for the females reading this) manning up and telling your significant other what's bothering you and why so the two of you can fix it you go into pissed off stony silence mode. Pissed off stony silence mode comes complete with combative body stance, clenched jaws, dirty looks, stomping of feet, slamming of cabinets and doors, pointedly ignoring your significant other and just general douchebaggeryness. This is a male tissy fit and is NOT ok. Especially when this behavior is coming from one of those types of males that insist the girl sit down and talk it out, explain her feelings etc. Wanting your significant other to talk it out but allowing yourself to wallow in your tantrum and not talk it out is called hypocrisy- double standards are NOT ok!

So next time you're all bent out of shape and feel like slamming a door, cupboard, etc or even better get that urge to start throwing and kicking things do me a favor: take a deep breath, pull up the big boy boxers and talk it out like an ADULT. K? Thanks.

The Anti-Socialist

No, I'm not talking about the political party.

I think one of the biggest difference in the genders is their levels of socialness. Girls are a pretty darn social bunch with good friends, best friends, neighbors, acquaintances and even enemies (frenemies) taking part in their social circle. Guys usually keep things a little more down-low, they keep their hanging out time to those they actually enjoy hanging out with and go out with friends much less often than most females do, content to sit back with friends at home with a beer and a ball game. This does not have to be a problem, but it can be.

Sometimes it's a problem because you are dating a "chick" (see future blog for definition)- this is not ok and a valid reason to break up with said chick. Sometimes it's a problem because you are anti-social and unwilling to step out of your comfort zone or away from your games, movies, etc - this is not ok and a valid reason for girlfriend to break up with you.

Balancing the social levels of two separate people as a couple can be difficult, if it's the right relationship however, it's worth it. Here's some tips:

1) It is NOT ok for either party to expect the other to go out with their friends, partying, etc 40%+ nights of each week (unless the other person is a social guy/girl who does these things on a regular basis anyway). Both parties need to accept that the other needs to have their own free time and time just to spend with their friends as well. Going out dancing/partying with your significant other 3-4 times a month though, would not be considered unreasonable.

2) It is NOT ok for either party to constantly "beg out" of social time with their significant others friends or family, nor is it ok to show up and then leave early on a flimsy and lame excuse on a regular basis either. If you're going to date each other then you need to accept each others social boundaries. Recognize that the social person will want you to share in her/his fun and activities. You also both need to be "present" and try to have fun while participating in said social activities with your significant other.

3)It is NOT ok for one person to always do all the choosing of said social activities. You should be choosing outings together as a couple or at least taking turns choosing where to go, what to do, who to hang out with. Nothing in a relationship should be purely one-sided, including social activities.

4) It is NOT ok for either person to ignore the other person's friends/family when social activities happen within one of your homes (or your shared home). No holing up in another room or zoning out in front of the TV or Computer that is RUDE. I don't care that your favorite show is on (that's what Tivo is for) or that there is this quest in your game that you just HAVE to complete right this minute because it's limited time only (too freaking bad, you'll get over it, I promise no one has ever died from missing an achievement on their game.)

Just like with everything else in a relationship this is about togetherness, compromise, sharing and your love and commitment for each other. If you refuse to step outside your boundaries for her/him or can't put aside your interests or habits for a few hours a few times a month to spend with her/his friends/family then it's time to ask yourself why. If this is truly a person whom you love, who you want happy etc then you should be willing to get to know her/him in her/his social sphere, meet and spend time with her/his family and put aside your interest on occasion to share in her/his. On the same token if she/he isn't willing to do the above for you then stop wasting your time and move on- you deserve better.

Best wishes in life and in love...

Letting it Slip...

In my opinion this is the number one reason that most relationships fail, be it "new relationships" that are under a year old or tried and true 15+ year relationships or even those that fall somewhere in between. At some point during the relationship one or both of the partners get lazy. They stop looking at their partner as someone important, special and integral in their life.They stop seeing their love and relationship as a wondrous gift to be treasured. They start taking it all for granted.

We, as a society, put so much emphasis into the courting process it is unbelievable, yet we refuse to put the same amount of effort into maintaining those same relationships, into making them stronger and better. Just think about all the effort that goes into courting; Expensive dinners, flattery, flowers, wine, compliments, elaborate gifts, etc all in an effort to woo and impress new potential partner after new potential partner. All that time, money and effort spent trying to impress someone you aren't even sure you'll be compatible with all in an effort to convince them that they are compatible with you and should give you a chance or at the very least, take you to bed.

Do me a favor and take a minute to think back and remember your last 2 previous relationships (for this exercise a relationship consists of 7 or more months). Now think back on the first 3-6 months of both those relationships, do a quick estimate on the amount of money and, time and effort that you put into those first few months, then compare that to the time effort and money spent in the last 2-3 months of those relationships. Notice a significant difference? A decrease in all of the above perhaps? If you do notice that, you are definitely not alone.

Now for those of you that are in current relationships of 6 or more months, take a minute and honestly think about the last time you randomly thought to yourself something along the lines of, "My partner is so wonderful/special I am so lucky to have him/her in my life"? When is the last time you showed your partner that you felt that way about them? Now compare how much time you spent in the beginning of your relationship; talking, walking, hand holding, cuddling, etc to how much time you spend together now. Do you notice a significant decrease? How about the quality of your time together, has that increased or decreased? Do you find yourself more often including others in your dates by going out in groups or to parties? Or maybe you spend more time at the movies, an activity that requires no connection or talking, than you used to. When was the last time you looked in your partners eyes and told them how much they mean to you, why they are so important to you, or some of the traits you love and admire about them? When is the last time you remember hearing any of those things from them? When was your last weekend away, out of the blue gift, special date planned?Do you often find yourself to be "present" during the time you spend with your partner or are you often busy with other things- such as video game playing, reading, watching a movie, talking to friends, texting, etc - and just count it as "together time' because you were both in the same room at the same time.?.When's the last time you asked (and honestly listened to the answer out of a true desire to know) how your partners day was? If you are having trouble answering these questions, it may be time for a change.

You cannot keep a relationship healthy if it is not being built upon. A relationship is a lot like water without the flow and currents of change, it grows stagnate. A relationship must grow and be constantly built upon and nourished if it is to flourish and remain healthy. You cannot coax and woo and win a significant other only to then immediately sit on your bum and never make another effort again while still expecting the relationship to survive. The work that goes into finding a partner and starting a relationship is like the warm-up before a really intense workout compared to the amount of work it takes to keep a relationship strong, healthy and happy.

Nurturing your heart, your partner, your relationship is extremely vital to the success of any and every relationship. The actions of nurturing your relationship, reminding your heart of who it fell for and why it fell in the first place does not just strengthen your relationship, but strengthens your love for your partner as well. A happy loving heart is a healthy heart. Your love will grow abundantly with every nurturing action you take, which only works to strengthen your own happiness and your relationship as well.

So now do me one last favor, stop reading this blog, turn off your computer, walk over to your significant other look them in hte eye and remind them, as well as yourself, why you fell for them in the first place. Once you've done that then take the rest of the evening to cuddle, talk and spend real quality time together, both of you fully present and see where that leads you.

Good luck in life & in love...

Money Wars...

Don't go getting defensive and patting your back pocket to make sure your wallet's in there. This post has nothing to do with guy's needing to earn a certain amount, pay for everything, spend atrocious amounts on holidays, anniversary's or engagement rings, etc etc. All that is as annoying to me as it is to you most likely and will be addressed later in a blog entitled "Money-grubbing sluts"...

This particular blog, however, is regarding the incapabilities of a large majority of the male gender to budget and save. I honestly cannot name the number of males I know or have had dealings with in the past who whine, whine, whine about bills not getting paid, needs not getting met and the lack of money they have only to do research and then find out that the important bills like phone, electric, car insurance could have been paid if he hadn't just spent $150+ on that new "must-have" collectors edition video game and insiders guide, or $150+ on that new ipod that holds a whole 50 more songs than his old one which is still in perfect working condition. Etc.

It's called PRIORITIZING people. And as much as the game and insiders guide may be more fun than paying your car insurance the car insurance is what keeps you from getting a ticketed fine, an impounded car fine, and a black mark on your driving record. While the new Ipod may be more fun to listen to and save you 15 minutes of time going through and deleting some old songs to make room for new, the PG&E bill is what provides heat in your house to keep your children from freezing to death or catching illnesses, it's also what allows you to cook food so none of your family starves. FUN is not the priority, being up to date with the "cool kids" on the latest fashion and game fun is NOT the priority, having the newest, coolest, or most expensive is NOT the priority.

Keeping yourself and your family fed, clothed, warm and safe is the priority, minimizing expenses by preventing things like $100+ tickets by keeping your car in good repair and fully insured and registered is the priority. Fun, new, cool, expensive, come later AFTER all the bills have been paid, animals have been cared for and food has been bought. THEN you can spend or save what's left on games, clothes, movies and fun.

Write a budget and STICK TO IT. Every time you think about fudging on it and splurging bill or food money on something you DON'T NEED, take a look at your children and then ask yourself if whatever you want is really worth STEALING from your kids. Because in essence, that's what you're doing every time you spend NEEDS money on WANTS: STEALING FROM YOUR KIDS.

The Taboo Truth...

So in my vast (ha ha) experience with the male gender I have noticed that 99% of males are OBSESSED with anal sex whether they admit to it or not. Not all of you are the pushy "must have it" bug your girlfriend relentlessly until she gives in type of guys (thank God) but you all think about it, wonder about it and wish she would do it. Many of you read books and magazine articles and watch DVD's on how to convince her to give in and ALL of you are 100% positive that if she would just give in and finally agree to try it she would love it once you were done. I see you nodding your head like "yep, that's right girls would all love anal sex if only they'd try it". So now I get to have my fun for the day and burst your bubble, I'd say that I hate to do that but I'd be lying and I try not to lie unless we're talking about my feelings so....

First we'll go with the FACTS:
*Men have a prostate gland that is easily stimulated through the anus, this causes pleasure to the male from anal stimulation. WOMEN DO NOT HAVE THIS!
*A woman's sexual nerve endings are located on clitoris, nipples and vagina.
*The vagina was MADE to have sex and to expel babies - those are the sole purposes of the vagina, it is very stretchy to allow for all types of shapes and sizes of penis to enter comfortably.
*The anus was made to expel your body's waste products in the form of shit. That is the sole purpose of the anus.

Now we will go with opinions and experience.
Do some girls like anal sex? Yes, though IME many of the ones that say that they like it are not being 100% truthful and are saying so instead to keep up with the crowd or please their current partner. There are some women however who do have good experiences with anal sex and enjoy it very much. That does NOT mean that all women will enjoy anal sex regardless of how often or how well it is performed. I can not name the number of times I have heard or read the statement (always said and/or written by men) "If your girl doesn't like it (anal sex) then you're not doing it right" this phrase is absolute BullShit and the catalyst for this blog post. =)

First off please explain to me how as man you have any clue as to what anal sex feels like for women. I cant name the number of articles written by men I've come across that try to explain why women hate and/or love anal sex, just FYI 90% of every one of those articles I've read has always been WRONG. You are guessing and ASSuming that you know what you're talking about or some of you are thinking "it feels good to me so..." forgetting that you have a prostate which produces those good feelings and your female doesn't.

So why do some females like it? Here's a secret and yes, I can have my membership to our secret female club revoked for revealing all this: Every woman I have talked to or that I know personally who likes anal sex has had one of three reasons (or a combination of the three) for liking it. The reasons are as follows:
1) Anal sex is dirty/naughty/taboo and she gets off on that feeling of doing something dirty/naughty/taboo.
2) It's something new and different than regular sex and she likes breaking up the monotony with something different every once in a while (Please note that these girls generally have anal sex at most every few months to as little as only 1-2 times per year)
3)She likes the feeling of fullness that comes from anal sex.

So now that you've read the three reasons go re-read them. Notice anything? Not ONE reason listed "because it gets my sexual nerve endings humming, turns me on majorly, feels so good and gives me the best orgasm of my life."

Anal sex for the VAST majority of females does not feel good by itself. Can occasional butt play during sex sometimes increase an orgasm? Yes. Should that be taken as a cue that your girlfriend is anal erotic and that means anal sex will get her rocks off better than anything ever? NO. Let me explain why.

The sensation in your vagina changes when there is something in your anus and the larger the thing in your anus is the more the vagina sensation changes, for some women the changes will be good changes for others not so much. There is also the added bonus (for some women) of feeling naughty at having more than one orifice penetrated which can also add to the orgasmic pleasure. When you ONLY have something in your anus you do not have either of the above stimulants occurring which makes for more painful and less pleasurable anal play. Why is it more painful? In reality it's not, but it will feel more painful because she will be focusing on the pain as there is no other pleasure going on for her to focus on, when a woman can focus on pleasure it makes the pain she's feeling seem less than it is, without that the pain will be felt full-force. For some women clitoral play without vaginal stimulation is enough to get her mind off things and allow her to enjoy anal sex. For others that will not be the case.

Anal sex is painful. It is painful because your anus 1) does not have the same sexual nerve endings the vagina does to compensate for the pain and 2) your ass is not meant to stretch and shape itself around a penis the way your vagina was built to do. The larger the cock - the more painful it is going to be, the less lube you use - the more painful its going to be, the less stimulation of body parts that are actually created for sexual pleasure - the more painful it's going to be. Got the picture?

So the moral of this blog post is basically this: If you have a girl that loves anal sex feel very very lucky and treat her like a queen because you've got it better than you realized. If you're girlfriend doesn't like it but is willing to do it for you on occasion then stop whining about the times you don't get it and be thankful for the sacrifice when you do get it. If you aren't getting it at all then either come to grips with reality and give up your anal sex dreams or go find a girl that doesn't mind it because pressuring the one your with to do something painful is just wrong. Ca. And the biggest moral of all: Stop believing that if you just do it "right" one of these days your girlfriend will turn from an anal-sex hater into a cock hungry anal sex loving whore - it's not gonna happen.

The Biggest Rejection

In one of my very early posts on this blog I mentioned how sexual rejection was the worst way you could reject a female. I was wrong. While sexual rejection is definitely at the top of the list there is another form of rejection that is far more hurtful and does far more emotional damage.

Having a girl totally lay bare her heart and soul, letting go of her past hang ups to take a very scary step forward and then patting her on the head while you say in a patronizing tone "that was so cute but...." That is the worst form of rejection a girl can experience.

Talk about teaching someone they were an idiot to take their emotional walls down in the first place. What a fascinatingly horrible lesson to learn. After hearing that her inhibitions are silly and she should work on them and not judge marriage based on one experience - to have laid her soul bare which is beyond difficult in times like this, only to have it patted and smirked at like an amusing child. Well, just wow is all that can really be said.

The best way to cause her to return to her original way of thinking and to ensure that she never moves past the line she's drawn in the sand is to patronize her after she's moved it because all you're doing is showing her that her original decision was the right one and you aren't the guy she thought you were after all...

People CAN Learn from their mistakes

So do yourself and the girl(s) you're dating a favor and remember that you're not perfect please. Then after you remember that do me another favor and think back to a time when you weren't perfect, a time you made a HUGE ass mistake and then remember what you learned from it. Every time someone you know tries to give someone else advice about a situation in which they themselves royally screwed up instead of being an ass to them about it, do me that favor I asked for above and then see if you still feel so pretentious and high and mighty afterwards.

NO ONE is perfect, this includes you buddy. Understanding and not being a judgmental pretentious ass is a very big part of all relationships be they family, friend or romantic. And that statement goes for all ages, nationalities and genders.

Just be a responsible and reasonable person, that's all. Unless you are 100% perfect and blameless and have never screwed up in your life you really have no business telling others how they fucked up or what they can and cant give advice on. Go through your past, remember those mistakes, revisit what you learned from them and then put on your big boy boxers or your big girl panties and do the next harder thing. Revisit the mistakes that you still refuse to accept any responsibility for, you know- the ones that you placed the blame for on someone else or which you blame on circumstances and which you most likely have at least a little bit of responsibility for. Objectively look over those and see if there may be some responsibility there that belongs to you and if there is then accept that responsibility and learn from whatever actions led you there. You can only become a better person for doing this.

But if you're going to continue to be one of those self-righteous pretentious assholes who holds on to and points out every fuck up someone else has ever done especially if that fuck up came because the person didn't listen to your advice but you're going to continue to refuse to accept responsibility for any your own fuck ups and cast the blame on circumstances that in actuality don't really matter or on people who really don't hold as much responsibility as you'd like to place on them then do everyone a favor and sit the F*ck down and shut the F*ck up. Thanks.

"I'm not being critical but..."

This goes for everyone of every gender, the words in this title are CRAP! Every single person in the world (especially if they happen to be female) knows that ANY SENTENCE precluded by any form of "I don't mean to be critical" is GOING TO BE critical without a doubt. You would not feel the need to try and put a "don't take this critically" disclaimer on a statement if the statement were truly a noncritical one. That's just common sense right there. Any time you feel the need to put a disclaimer on a sentence it is in hopes that the disclaimer will keep the person from being upset by the load of critical/rude/offensive crap that's about to spew from your mouth.
So do yourself and the people you are talking to a favor, the next time you hear a disclaimer coming out of your mouth IE; "No offense but...", "I'm not being critical but...", "I don't mean to be rude..." etc... Just SHUT YOUR MOUTH. There is no need to point out how the person offended you, didn't agree with the more correct opinion (which would be yours of course), screwed up yet again or should maybe cut down on the doughnuts cuz she's getting a little round, etc...
And if you really do feel that this time you just HAVE to say it - it's just too important not to be pointed out this one time then try doing this; take a minute to listen in your head to what you are about to say and then, instead of being critical say it in an entirely new way - one that actually does come off as not being critical, rude or offensive. For example, instead of saying: "I don't mean to be critical but do these socks look like they go together?" Try being a little more understanding, putting yourself in the other person's shoes and figuring out why the mistake may have happened. Then say something like this: *playful tone* "The baby must have had you really distracted the last time you folded socks huh?" *holding up mismatched socks and smiling*
The tone and body language in the example above, combined with the fact that you took the time to figure out what may have caused the mishap make the person whose actions are being singled out feel less like they are being criticized or attacked for an honest mistake. Which makes them more likely to respond with an apology and try to remember to pay more attention in the future as opposed to them responding with defensive comments and only remembering that you were a critical ass. In this case you were able to still point out that the person screwed up which fulfills your inner need to make sure they don't do so again in the future but in a way that also didn't make them feel like you go around looking for ways they screw up just so you can rub the mishaps in their face. It's a win-win for everyone. ;)

The Different Levels of Love...

We all know subconsciously that while we love many people in our lives we don't love them all the same way. Sometimes its a simple difference in the amount and type of affection and trust that love is tempered with and other times it is the core relationship of who these people are to us such as a friend, co-worker, child, mistress, wife, etc... For whatever reason though, the types and levels of love we feel for these individual people vary.

This does not have to be a bad thing, not in our normal everyday life any way. In a relationship though, it can lead to disaster. For example, if I am so in love and bonded to the male in my life that I honestly feel that he is what passes for my "sou-mate" while his love for me is more the type and depth of that which you would feel for a good friend, there will most likely be issues. Big ones.

Females aren't stupid. I know that's hard to believe because we play the role so well but honestly, we are pretty damn smart most of the time. We are also huge lovers of living in houseboats on the river DENIAL. The woman who's husband of 40 years, that's been cheating on her for 32 of them, you know the one who you talk about behind her back saying "how could she NOT know, it's so obvious, man she must be dumber than a box of rocks". That woman knows, not only has she known all 32 years that he's been cheating and most likely who with as well, but she probably also knew before he started cheating that he was thinking about it. She just chooses, for whatever reasons of her own, to ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist. That doesn't mean she's ok with it or that it doesn't hurt her, it just means that for whatever reason she has chosen to move into her houseboat on the river denial regarding this particular issue. Now maybe in your opinion that makes her just as, more, or less stupid than if she didn't know he was cheating and maybe she is still stupid, just in a different way. It's not really on me to judge her choices though, she has her consequences and she'll live with them.

What does a housewife with a cheating husband have to do with a female loving her soul-mate like a soul-mate and him loving her like a friend? Nothing really except that it demonstrates a woman's capacity for denial despite the damage living in denial can cause. She knows they don't feel the same way. She can see and interpret the signs quite clearly and it hurts knowing that while he's pretty much it for her, he's still waiting for her to come along, his "soul-mate", the girl he sees and says "that's her, thats who I can see spending the rest of my life with". Because she, of course, want to be that girl. She want to be the one he imagines getting gray hairs with and going to little league games with. She want to inspire the devotion, longing, passion and loyalty that goes hand in hand with the type of love we give to our "soul-mate". But She's not her, and she can't be, and she knows this.

Why doesn't she leave then? Take this misery and walk out the door with it where she can bury it in the sand and try to forget it, or he, ever existed. Simple. 1 She doesn't want to, he's it for her so she may as well ride this train as far as it will take her and enjoy it while she can. 2 She's in her houseboat on the river denial telling herself that A) She's not a mind reader so she doesn't really know what may be inside his heart (LIES! she knows)and B) even if he does feel the way she thinks he feels, love isn't a flash in the pan thing, it takes time to build a strong and true and lasting love and one day (in fairy tale land) he's going to realize that she is her and they're going to live happily ever after in their castle in the clouds.

Does telling herself those two things over ad over after every time his actions or words have made clear that she is not her, make the pain go away, boost her self-esteem or keep her from worrying about how long it's going to be before she does come along and he leaves her in the dust alone? Nope. Not at all, in fact it may even make it worse. However, women are perverse creatures and this is what we do to ourselves.

So the lesson here is; Be up front about your feelings and your expectations for the relationship from the get-go, yes that means if you're just looking for a one-night stand you don't pretend you'll be calling her the next day. ALso, pay attention to her feelings and if you figure out or even think that she may be heading for head-over-heels while you're in "hang out, kick it and have random awesome sex" mode then be the bigger, stronger person and let her go, walk away because she's not going to have the strength to do it while shes floating down denial but her self-esteem could really use the break of reality. You'd be doing her a favor. Honestly.

Typing

No, not the kind you do on your keyboard.
I'm talking about the way we "type" people. You know how friends/family say "she/he doesn't seem like your type?" That's what I'm talking about here.

Its a great thing to go out of your comfort zone type-wise, first off because any new experience, even if it ends badly, is a good thing. You haven't lived until you've tried it all. =)Secondly because often, that's where you find the best fit relationship-wise.

However, constantly alerting your girlfriend to the ways in which she doesn't fit you're "type" profile is something that should be avoided at all costs.

You think "Wow I'm normally a major boob guy but hers are tiny and I don't mind, it must be love" she hears; "This is one more reason I will be leaving you for some other girl at some point in the future".

Females - even those that seem completely confident (actually, especially with those that seem the most confident) are notoriously insecure. A female motto we almost all employ internally is; "Fake it til you make it". Many of us are VERY GOOD at presenting a confident persona when in reality we are anything but. Pointing out ways in which we do not fit into your usual type or your "perfect female for me" mold chips away at any confidence we have in the relationship and leaves us insecure and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

In extremely insecure females this can really bring out the crazy leading to them checking your phone/emails/texts for other females numbers, super-spy stalking you when you cancel a date, clingy-ness, whining and a plethora of other unattractive and annoying habits. In less insecure females it still chips away at their self esteem and the foundation of your relationship, sometimes leading to them breaking up with you only because they are positive you are going to be breaking up with them sooner or later anyway. So either way, not good for your relationship.

This doesn't mean you have to hide the fact shes not your normal type from her, it just means not to point it out a lot and to avoid some of the more easily misunderstood comments.

Below is a small list of some of the examples of "no no" comments men have made to their girlfriends:

*Ugh, super models body types are disgusting. They look like a bunch of skeletons, I don't understand how anyone can find that attractive. (5 minutes later) you're thin enough to be a super-model.

* I'm normally a major boob guy but I'm still with you. That's just one more way it's proof I love you.