We all know subconsciously that while we love many people in our lives we don't love them all the same way. Sometimes its a simple difference in the amount and type of affection and trust that love is tempered with and other times it is the core relationship of who these people are to us such as a friend, co-worker, child, mistress, wife, etc... For whatever reason though, the types and levels of love we feel for these individual people vary.
This does not have to be a bad thing, not in our normal everyday life any way. In a relationship though, it can lead to disaster. For example, if I am so in love and bonded to the male in my life that I honestly feel that he is what passes for my "sou-mate" while his love for me is more the type and depth of that which you would feel for a good friend, there will most likely be issues. Big ones.
Females aren't stupid. I know that's hard to believe because we play the role so well but honestly, we are pretty damn smart most of the time. We are also huge lovers of living in houseboats on the river DENIAL. The woman who's husband of 40 years, that's been cheating on her for 32 of them, you know the one who you talk about behind her back saying "how could she NOT know, it's so obvious, man she must be dumber than a box of rocks". That woman knows, not only has she known all 32 years that he's been cheating and most likely who with as well, but she probably also knew before he started cheating that he was thinking about it. She just chooses, for whatever reasons of her own, to ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist. That doesn't mean she's ok with it or that it doesn't hurt her, it just means that for whatever reason she has chosen to move into her houseboat on the river denial regarding this particular issue. Now maybe in your opinion that makes her just as, more, or less stupid than if she didn't know he was cheating and maybe she is still stupid, just in a different way. It's not really on me to judge her choices though, she has her consequences and she'll live with them.
What does a housewife with a cheating husband have to do with a female loving her soul-mate like a soul-mate and him loving her like a friend? Nothing really except that it demonstrates a woman's capacity for denial despite the damage living in denial can cause. She knows they don't feel the same way. She can see and interpret the signs quite clearly and it hurts knowing that while he's pretty much it for her, he's still waiting for her to come along, his "soul-mate", the girl he sees and says "that's her, thats who I can see spending the rest of my life with". Because she, of course, want to be that girl. She want to be the one he imagines getting gray hairs with and going to little league games with. She want to inspire the devotion, longing, passion and loyalty that goes hand in hand with the type of love we give to our "soul-mate". But She's not her, and she can't be, and she knows this.
Why doesn't she leave then? Take this misery and walk out the door with it where she can bury it in the sand and try to forget it, or he, ever existed. Simple. 1 She doesn't want to, he's it for her so she may as well ride this train as far as it will take her and enjoy it while she can. 2 She's in her houseboat on the river denial telling herself that A) She's not a mind reader so she doesn't really know what may be inside his heart (LIES! she knows)and B) even if he does feel the way she thinks he feels, love isn't a flash in the pan thing, it takes time to build a strong and true and lasting love and one day (in fairy tale land) he's going to realize that she is her and they're going to live happily ever after in their castle in the clouds.
Does telling herself those two things over ad over after every time his actions or words have made clear that she is not her, make the pain go away, boost her self-esteem or keep her from worrying about how long it's going to be before she does come along and he leaves her in the dust alone? Nope. Not at all, in fact it may even make it worse. However, women are perverse creatures and this is what we do to ourselves.
So the lesson here is; Be up front about your feelings and your expectations for the relationship from the get-go, yes that means if you're just looking for a one-night stand you don't pretend you'll be calling her the next day. ALso, pay attention to her feelings and if you figure out or even think that she may be heading for head-over-heels while you're in "hang out, kick it and have random awesome sex" mode then be the bigger, stronger person and let her go, walk away because she's not going to have the strength to do it while shes floating down denial but her self-esteem could really use the break of reality. You'd be doing her a favor. Honestly.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Typing
No, not the kind you do on your keyboard.
I'm talking about the way we "type" people. You know how friends/family say "she/he doesn't seem like your type?" That's what I'm talking about here.
Its a great thing to go out of your comfort zone type-wise, first off because any new experience, even if it ends badly, is a good thing. You haven't lived until you've tried it all. =)Secondly because often, that's where you find the best fit relationship-wise.
However, constantly alerting your girlfriend to the ways in which she doesn't fit you're "type" profile is something that should be avoided at all costs.
You think "Wow I'm normally a major boob guy but hers are tiny and I don't mind, it must be love" she hears; "This is one more reason I will be leaving you for some other girl at some point in the future".
Females - even those that seem completely confident (actually, especially with those that seem the most confident) are notoriously insecure. A female motto we almost all employ internally is; "Fake it til you make it". Many of us are VERY GOOD at presenting a confident persona when in reality we are anything but. Pointing out ways in which we do not fit into your usual type or your "perfect female for me" mold chips away at any confidence we have in the relationship and leaves us insecure and waiting for the other shoe to drop.
In extremely insecure females this can really bring out the crazy leading to them checking your phone/emails/texts for other females numbers, super-spy stalking you when you cancel a date, clingy-ness, whining and a plethora of other unattractive and annoying habits. In less insecure females it still chips away at their self esteem and the foundation of your relationship, sometimes leading to them breaking up with you only because they are positive you are going to be breaking up with them sooner or later anyway. So either way, not good for your relationship.
This doesn't mean you have to hide the fact shes not your normal type from her, it just means not to point it out a lot and to avoid some of the more easily misunderstood comments.
Below is a small list of some of the examples of "no no" comments men have made to their girlfriends:
*Ugh, super models body types are disgusting. They look like a bunch of skeletons, I don't understand how anyone can find that attractive. (5 minutes later) you're thin enough to be a super-model.
* I'm normally a major boob guy but I'm still with you. That's just one more way it's proof I love you.
I'm talking about the way we "type" people. You know how friends/family say "she/he doesn't seem like your type?" That's what I'm talking about here.
Its a great thing to go out of your comfort zone type-wise, first off because any new experience, even if it ends badly, is a good thing. You haven't lived until you've tried it all. =)Secondly because often, that's where you find the best fit relationship-wise.
However, constantly alerting your girlfriend to the ways in which she doesn't fit you're "type" profile is something that should be avoided at all costs.
You think "Wow I'm normally a major boob guy but hers are tiny and I don't mind, it must be love" she hears; "This is one more reason I will be leaving you for some other girl at some point in the future".
Females - even those that seem completely confident (actually, especially with those that seem the most confident) are notoriously insecure. A female motto we almost all employ internally is; "Fake it til you make it". Many of us are VERY GOOD at presenting a confident persona when in reality we are anything but. Pointing out ways in which we do not fit into your usual type or your "perfect female for me" mold chips away at any confidence we have in the relationship and leaves us insecure and waiting for the other shoe to drop.
In extremely insecure females this can really bring out the crazy leading to them checking your phone/emails/texts for other females numbers, super-spy stalking you when you cancel a date, clingy-ness, whining and a plethora of other unattractive and annoying habits. In less insecure females it still chips away at their self esteem and the foundation of your relationship, sometimes leading to them breaking up with you only because they are positive you are going to be breaking up with them sooner or later anyway. So either way, not good for your relationship.
This doesn't mean you have to hide the fact shes not your normal type from her, it just means not to point it out a lot and to avoid some of the more easily misunderstood comments.
Below is a small list of some of the examples of "no no" comments men have made to their girlfriends:
*Ugh, super models body types are disgusting. They look like a bunch of skeletons, I don't understand how anyone can find that attractive. (5 minutes later) you're thin enough to be a super-model.
* I'm normally a major boob guy but I'm still with you. That's just one more way it's proof I love you.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
The sex files
OK. Common misconception about sex;
"when a girl is upset/emotional having sex with her is 'taking advantage' and will screw her up emotionally/mentally"
NOT TRUE. At least, not always. Is it possible to take advantage of a females emotional state and get her to have sex with you when she otherwise may have said no? Yes, and DO NOT use this blog as your excuse to do so. Does this mean that any time your female is having an emotional day you should turn down sex? NO, NO, NO!
You know what REALLY screws a female up and messes with her emotions? Having a male reject her sexually. That leaves scars that stay with us for life. If your female is making sexual suggestions/advances it means that the emotional trauma is over and she wants sex. Turning her down at this point is actually doing more harm. This is another instance in which you would want to hang up the shiny silver armor and stable that White Horse.
Yes, years later when we aren't all emotionally butt-hurt over the rejection and are thinking objectively we will say "Awww he was just being noble and looking out for my feelings" however that sweetness does not outweigh the fact that it came at the price of Sexual Rejection.
When it comes to sexual rejection girls are all emotion. We can not think rationally or logically. We can pretend we do, we can even occasionally convince the male gender we do. But while on the outside we are the calm rational "oh no I totally understand you're not rejecting me, you were just trying to protect my feelings" on the inside we are thinking "he thinks I'm ugly - I've gotten fat, I knew he was lying when he said he didn't notice that extra 5 pounds - He's found someone else he thinks is prettier/better in bed than me- I knew i sucked in bed, why am I so bad at sex?"- and many, many more.
Sexual Rejection is one of the biggest mental/emotional mind fucks out there for the female gender. While you should not be making sexual advances or comments while shes crying on your shoulder or just finished crying on your shoulder. If she makes the move it is perfectly alright for you to take her up on the offer. Trust me. The harm done by saying no to her sexual advances, is more harm than can possibly come from any regret she may feel the next morning.
SO STOP BEING NOBLE BECAUSE YOU'RE SCREWING US UP!!!
"when a girl is upset/emotional having sex with her is 'taking advantage' and will screw her up emotionally/mentally"
NOT TRUE. At least, not always. Is it possible to take advantage of a females emotional state and get her to have sex with you when she otherwise may have said no? Yes, and DO NOT use this blog as your excuse to do so. Does this mean that any time your female is having an emotional day you should turn down sex? NO, NO, NO!
You know what REALLY screws a female up and messes with her emotions? Having a male reject her sexually. That leaves scars that stay with us for life. If your female is making sexual suggestions/advances it means that the emotional trauma is over and she wants sex. Turning her down at this point is actually doing more harm. This is another instance in which you would want to hang up the shiny silver armor and stable that White Horse.
Yes, years later when we aren't all emotionally butt-hurt over the rejection and are thinking objectively we will say "Awww he was just being noble and looking out for my feelings" however that sweetness does not outweigh the fact that it came at the price of Sexual Rejection.
When it comes to sexual rejection girls are all emotion. We can not think rationally or logically. We can pretend we do, we can even occasionally convince the male gender we do. But while on the outside we are the calm rational "oh no I totally understand you're not rejecting me, you were just trying to protect my feelings" on the inside we are thinking "he thinks I'm ugly - I've gotten fat, I knew he was lying when he said he didn't notice that extra 5 pounds - He's found someone else he thinks is prettier/better in bed than me- I knew i sucked in bed, why am I so bad at sex?"- and many, many more.
Sexual Rejection is one of the biggest mental/emotional mind fucks out there for the female gender. While you should not be making sexual advances or comments while shes crying on your shoulder or just finished crying on your shoulder. If she makes the move it is perfectly alright for you to take her up on the offer. Trust me. The harm done by saying no to her sexual advances, is more harm than can possibly come from any regret she may feel the next morning.
SO STOP BEING NOBLE BECAUSE YOU'RE SCREWING US UP!!!
Monday, June 21, 2010
The "white knight" complex
Ok. Time to set the record straight.
Males- this is not the 18th century any more. You do not wear armor, you do not slay dragons and a female is perfectly capable of punching a jerk in the nose to defend her own honor if a guy implies she's a slut or any other derogatory name/phrase.
Yes, some girls get off on the "damsel in distress" routine. They are not the majority and honestly, they're beyond obnoxious so do yourself a favor; don't put up with the crap and ditch the B**** before the drama gets out of control.
Level-headed females are not looking for a white knight. We don't need or want you to come rushing in at the last minute brandishing your sword and slaying our dragons (problems). We are not helpless and would like the male gender to recognize this. We want a partnership. 50/50. Once again there are girls out there who are users, don't want a partnership whatever - those girls are a waste of your time. Dump them. This blog does not cater to the needy/whiny/clingy/using/selfish/piece-of-crap-annoying-girlfriends... This blog is in regards to normal girls.
Level-headed females are not looking for a white knight. We don't need or want you to come rushing in at the last minute brandishing your sword and slaying our dragons (problems). We are not helpless and would like the male gender to recognize this. We want a partnership. 50/50. Once again there are girls out there who are users, don't want a partnership whatever - those girls are a waste of your time. Dump them. This blog does not cater to the needy/whiny/clingy/using/selfish/piece-of-crap-annoying-girlfriends... This blog is in regards to normal girls.
Normal girls want to be recognized as capable, independent and a 50% equal part of the relationship. While we do not mind having your help with problems, there is a big difference between offering ideas/advice and completely taking over or telling us what to do. A large portion of the male gender seems to have trouble distinguishing between the two.
So things to remember:
Sometimes when a girl is venting, its just that- venting. We're not asking for a solution it just helps us to get our anger and frustration off our chest sometimes. So before leaping in to save the day wait for a break in the rant and ask "do you want my help solving this or are you just venting?" and then you know whether or not its "white knight" time or whether you can just tune her out for the next half-hour. ;)
Even when we have a legitimate problem please do not push us aside and take over the problem. Asking you for help is NOT asking for you to take over. Pushing us aside and ignoring our input on OUR problem is an insult and sends the message you believe we are too stupid or incapable to handle the situation ourselves.
The key words to remember are: compromise and partnership.
Lots of Love,
*Shell
P.S.
mellowpuppy said... and a reminder - when a girl is venting we dont need snippy comments back or you to tell us how to fix problems (unless we specifically ask you) And regardless if you seem like you arent paying attention at all, and then a girl stops coming to you with her problems - While for you its a good deal - most likely your female is pissed the phuck off at you!
Sometimes when a girl is venting, its just that- venting. We're not asking for a solution it just helps us to get our anger and frustration off our chest sometimes. So before leaping in to save the day wait for a break in the rant and ask "do you want my help solving this or are you just venting?" and then you know whether or not its "white knight" time or whether you can just tune her out for the next half-hour. ;)
Even when we have a legitimate problem please do not push us aside and take over the problem. Asking you for help is NOT asking for you to take over. Pushing us aside and ignoring our input on OUR problem is an insult and sends the message you believe we are too stupid or incapable to handle the situation ourselves.
The key words to remember are: compromise and partnership.
Lots of Love,
*Shell
P.S.
mellowpuppy said... and a reminder - when a girl is venting we dont need snippy comments back or you to tell us how to fix problems (unless we specifically ask you) And regardless if you seem like you arent paying attention at all, and then a girl stops coming to you with her problems - While for you its a good deal - most likely your female is pissed the phuck off at you!
About This Blog
The reason for "the simple female" is simple, really. Boys confound girls, girls confound boys. I'm hoping this blog, an insight into the mind of a female and a "list" of some of the ways boys can go wrong, will help males a little in their interaction with the opposite sex.
Reason 2: maybe girls reading this will be a little less stupid about some things in the future. This too, will help out the male gender.
So boys: you're welcome. ;)
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