Why Does Doing What's Right In Love Have To Hurt So F***ing Much?

Saying goodbye sucks. Whether the relationship is 5 minutes or 15 years- if it was a real relationship with real emotions involved- ending it hurts like a B***! But you know what else hurts? Loving someone whose actions tell you they don't feel the same way, loving someone who disrespects or ignores your thoughts/feelings/concerns on matters that concern both of you and just makes the choice that's best for him/her, loving someone who acts as though you and your feelings don't matter, loving someone who refuses to share important life events with you. Don't fool yourself, don't buy the lip service and don't settle just because you think you should. You deserve better and if they can't be that better then they don't deserve you. Saying goodbye hurts but staying would ultimately hurt worse. Now it's time to work on moving on. For you. Because you're worth it.

Relationship Etiquette

You know, everyone talks about how everything would be so much easier if things in every day life came with manuals such as; relationships, raising kids, etc. So I'm here to make everything better for you. This blog is your relationship manual guide in very simple, easy to follow steps on how not to screw up your relationship. 1.) Don't lie. 2.) Keep your promises. If you say you're going to do something then do it, do not fall back on excuses. 3.) Communicate. This does not mean talk the other person to death, just be open and honest and listen to what your partner has to say as well. If you have a problem talk it out, if you suspect a problem then ask your partner about it and get it solved. No jumping to conclusions or verbally shutting down. 4.) Put the other person's feelings first. A relationship doesn't work when one or more person in it is being a selfish douchewad. Avoid douchewadness by always asking yourself how your partner would be affected by your decisions/actions and also how they feel and what they would want before making any decisions that affect you both. 5.) Be faithful. If you cant keep it in your pants or keep your legs closed then I have a tip for you; stick to one night stands and don't enter relationships. If you end up falling for someone else while already in a relationship then pull up the big boy boxers or the big girl panties and break up with your current partner before screwing your new love interest- it's called respect, you owe them that much. 6.) If you aren't willing to commit then let them go. Living with someone for 5 years but being afraid to sign a paper making it legal is LAME. Stop with the excuses. Either you intend to be with this person for the majority (hopefully all) of the rest of your life or you don't. And if you haven't figured out which it is after 5 years then you're too retarded to live, quite frankly. Stop wasting both your time. Get out and move on or at least allow your partner to do so. 7.) If your feelings change then BE HONEST. Don't start emotionally pulling back and spending less and less time with them leaving them to wonder where the hell they screwed up or what they need to do to change or fix things. It's a waste of time to let a relationship that is already dead for you linger on for months or years just because you're too damn cowardly to speak up. Man (or woman) up and make a clean break. 8.) Don't be a quitter. Relationships take work, they don't maintain themselves. No relationship is perfect. You need to be willing to whether the storms and put your effort in when needed. This may mean talking, going to counseling, living on a budget, etc. But all those things are worth it if you truly love the person you're with. 9.) Don't let it get stale. I don't care how long you've been dating or married, how many kids you have or how little time in the week you have free, date nights are imperative. Sexual ingenuity and spontaneity is also just as important. So is having fun, goofing off and remembering to be friends. 10.) If you don't have trust your relationship is dead in the water. If you break trust but are lucky enough to get a second chance then do 2 things: 1) work your ass off showing that you are never going to be untrustworthy again and 2) realize that trust is not an instant thing- earning it back will take some time. While realizing that respect your partners feelings even if they seem paranoid or irrational, its how they feel and they have a right to feel that way. Help them work through their feelings, because until you do they will not learn to trust you again.

People Are A Complicated Mess Of Ridiculousness...

I will never understand people as a general whole, I just won't, people every day are doing things that I just cant wrap my head around. Some of these things are more tragic than others like murders, abuse, etc but there are plenty of little things that are just as confounding. Take, for example, the following example: We have a female with children fighting a horrific custody battle with her exhusband, her current significant other is constantly berating the selfish actions of the exhusband. Recently the couple was talking and the female made a joke about how breaking up with her would solve whatever it was the boyfriend was complaining about. The boyfriend responded that breaking up wouldn't solve anything because then he'd have to fight a custody battle with her for their daughter and would hate her if she won etc etc etc.... Please explain to me why people feel its ok to vilify one person for actions that they know darn well they would do themselves in the same situation. This guy has nothing good to say about the ex husband talks about how he's a selfish POS for what hes pulling etc but without even blinking, totally serious as a response to a joke with no hesitation he proclaims his intention to participate in the exact same behavior he abhors in the other person if she and he ever break up. This makes NO SENSE to me. That's like crap talking a smoker and refusing to date them then going outside and lighting one up yourself. WTF?

Don't Cross The Invisible Line

We all have one and it's different for each individual but if you've been with someone for awhile you generally know them well enough to at least have an idea of where their invisible line rests. For some people it's as simple as not being a lover of their favorite animal for others its personal space. I fall into the latter category, Im willing to put up with a lot when I love someone but checking my mail, reading my texts, going through my phone or TELLING YOUR OR MY FAMILY MY PERSONAL SHIT that is, quite frankly, none of their damn business does nothing but PISS ME OFF. Am I over-reacting here? I don't think so. My family knows none of the skeletons in my S.O's closet, why? because it is not their skeletons nor any of their business- so why, pray tell, does his family know MY skeletons? Can someone please fucking enlighten me on this? I'm seriously at the point where Im about ready to say fuck my rule about respecting others privacy and having others mind their own business and instead start sharing personal and private secrets that could negatively effect the opinions anyone who hears these secrets used to hold regarding the person whose secrets I would be sharing- fuck turn the other cheek I'm about ready to grab my sword and play "eye for an eye". The limit has been reached. Here's to everyone who's reading this' limits and the hopes that your limits are not surpassed by the people you choose to love.

I almost asked you to marry me today...

So there I am cleaning the house, listening to music and the song "Quitter" by Carrie Underwood comes on. I find myself actually listening to the words instead of just humming along obliviously like usual and I realize that this song epitomizes me, my past relationships and our present relationship. I'm poised to run, almost all the time and you just patiently pull me down from that edge and keep me here where I belong, where I feel comfortable, where I'm loved and happy. In a moment of what can only be termed as temporary insanity, I hopped on youtube to find the song, in my head is typing out the comment I'm going to leave with it when I post it to your facebook wall; something along the lines of "I'm so glad I'm no longer a quitter, Lee David Toland will you marry me?".Sometime between hopping onto the computer and typing the song title into google, cooler heads prevailed. I realized how humiliating it would be to have to explain to the entire "public" that had witnessed the display that you had turned me down, or even worse patted me on the head with a condescending look and tone the way you did when I told you about my conversation with Kylene and how I had thought of proposing to you that day. "That's really cute but..." is not what a girl wants to hear when she lays her heart on the line. So for now I remain content to be forever your live-in girlfriend, but I'll be staying away from Carrie Underwood songs for a while...I won't lie and say that things like this don't cause all sorts of doubts to run through my head but I'm trying to work through it. I think we are both worth the work, and so is our love. I know you have to do way more work because I'm a hell of a lot more frustrating to you than you are to me, of course part of that is just because I don't allow myself to become as easily frustrated as you do. I do appreciate all the efforts you make just in putting up with me and I'm sure our daughter does as well. I love you but I won't be proposing to you any time soon.

Tired of Being Broke...

If I had a nickel for every time I heard a someone utter the above statement I would give Bill Gates "worlds wealthiest person" competition. Currently Bill Gates has no worries in that department and I really have no opinion on whether that is a "fortunate" or "unfortunate" thing because I am honestly not of the mindset that wealth solves problems, unlike the "I'm so tired of being broke" "If only I won the lottery" people are. There are hardships that come with living hand-to-mouth or paycheck to paycheck and I would be the last to deny them as I've been living hand-to-mouth pretty much my entire life. But living is honestly all about perception, mindset and attitude. I have had a good fulfilling and happy life, I seriously have, despite living below the poverty level without government handouts for 90% of the past 15+ years. I have been able to have quality time with my family, they know I love them and vice-versa, I have been able to give my children toys, clothes, food and fabulous birthday parties every year, they get to go fun places like the park, zoo, disneyland etc. All it takes is budgeting, lots of planning and the patience to wait 1-2 years for the bigger more expensive activities while i scrimp and save little bits of each paycheck to afford those things. I'm willing to wait and willing to scrimp and save because I want them to have these experiences and I know there is no other way for me to offer them that. Complaining and saying "if only" or even worse; taking a piss-poor attitude around with me everywhere I go and letting that effect my relationships and life is pointless, selfish and self-destructive. I would love to have more money and I'm actually working my butt off to try and make that happen because that is the only way it WILL happen: by me working my butt off and going out, putting myself out on a limb and TRYING. There is no "get rich quick" scheme or "instant millionaire" packet out there I can use or do to get rich overnight. EFFORT is the only way to do it. I have come up with some products I think may sell so now I am doing what I can to slowly buy the ingredients and make the products, once I have some stock I will make a website and a business page and begin promoting and selling my products. I'm also finishing the 15+ books I have in different progress stages. Once those are finished I will be selling them in online form through kindle on amazon. And I'm continuing in my housekeeping until I have enough money through my other efforts to quit. I may never rival Bill Gates in the bank account department but in the fulfilled-life, happiness, family and satisfaction departments I'm pretty sure I can give him a run for his money. :)

Watch your Hypocrite

Seriously. Watch when, where, how, and who you're throwing out the word "hypocrite" at. Tonight I got told that an action I took YEARS ago was "self centered" and "hypocritical" and you know what? I say to that person take your "self-centered" and "hypocritical" and shove it up your own ass. Because I personally feel the self-centered hypocritical one in the situation was you. When a situation occurs that hurts another person in your life with whom you have any sort of relationship no matter how intimate then continuing that course of action in the face of their pain is, IMO, extremely self-centered. To not only put your feelings/wants/thoughts first and ignore their pain but to expect them to also ignore their own pain and their own boundary limits just so you can continue to do what you want is also hypocritical. The best part here though is that when the situation occurred and you were told the other person experienced emotional pain you stated that you would cease said action. You then proceeded a few months later to participate in said action a second time which resulted in another "I dont want to hurt you I wont do this anymore" statement, then a third with another useless statement. The fourth such occurrence which was also an escalation of the previous three and done at one of the most inappropriate times possible prompted an ultimatum to be made. It was not until after this ultimatum that your original promise to knock off the completely selfish and disrespectful behavior was finally kept, yet the ultimatum was apparently a "self-centered" and "hypocritical" act. Really? Because I find lying and word-breaking to be the far more unforgiveable asshole-like sin here. Just sayin'

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

There's a reason why certain sayings become cliches.... Because they're true. What do I mean when I say actions speak louder than words? It's simple, make sure that the things that you do reflect the things that you say. For example if you say you are an honest person you then need to be honest don't go stealing, covering up others unscrupulous actions or lying because the stealing, lying etc will rat you out as the DISHONEST person you are.

Do what you say you will do. If you say that you will be an honest and faithful significant other then make sure you are doing so. If you commit to a certain night of the week being couple time or family time or make a specific date night then be sure to keep that commitment and be on time always except in the case of dire emergencies.

Promises, plans, and keeping your word are important things, if you can't do those things then you cant be trusted as someone that another person will want to invest time, energy and love into. SO don't make promises or plans or give your word unless you mean it and you plan on actually following through. If you don't follow through you are nothing more than a liar after-the-fact.

Good luck in life and love. <3

Tissy Fits Are For 12 Year Old Girls

Stop getting all bent out of shape at the term, yes even males can have tissy fits and a tissy fit by any other name is still a tissy fit so call it whatever you want, brooding, stewing, etc etc but knock it off.

Let me clarify what I mean by "tissy fit". Your significant other ticks you off, instead of growing some balls (or putting on your big girl panties, for the females reading this) manning up and telling your significant other what's bothering you and why so the two of you can fix it you go into pissed off stony silence mode. Pissed off stony silence mode comes complete with combative body stance, clenched jaws, dirty looks, stomping of feet, slamming of cabinets and doors, pointedly ignoring your significant other and just general douchebaggeryness. This is a male tissy fit and is NOT ok. Especially when this behavior is coming from one of those types of males that insist the girl sit down and talk it out, explain her feelings etc. Wanting your significant other to talk it out but allowing yourself to wallow in your tantrum and not talk it out is called hypocrisy- double standards are NOT ok!

So next time you're all bent out of shape and feel like slamming a door, cupboard, etc or even better get that urge to start throwing and kicking things do me a favor: take a deep breath, pull up the big boy boxers and talk it out like an ADULT. K? Thanks.

The Anti-Socialist

No, I'm not talking about the political party.

I think one of the biggest difference in the genders is their levels of socialness. Girls are a pretty darn social bunch with good friends, best friends, neighbors, acquaintances and even enemies (frenemies) taking part in their social circle. Guys usually keep things a little more down-low, they keep their hanging out time to those they actually enjoy hanging out with and go out with friends much less often than most females do, content to sit back with friends at home with a beer and a ball game. This does not have to be a problem, but it can be.

Sometimes it's a problem because you are dating a "chick" (see future blog for definition)- this is not ok and a valid reason to break up with said chick. Sometimes it's a problem because you are anti-social and unwilling to step out of your comfort zone or away from your games, movies, etc - this is not ok and a valid reason for girlfriend to break up with you.

Balancing the social levels of two separate people as a couple can be difficult, if it's the right relationship however, it's worth it. Here's some tips:

1) It is NOT ok for either party to expect the other to go out with their friends, partying, etc 40%+ nights of each week (unless the other person is a social guy/girl who does these things on a regular basis anyway). Both parties need to accept that the other needs to have their own free time and time just to spend with their friends as well. Going out dancing/partying with your significant other 3-4 times a month though, would not be considered unreasonable.

2) It is NOT ok for either party to constantly "beg out" of social time with their significant others friends or family, nor is it ok to show up and then leave early on a flimsy and lame excuse on a regular basis either. If you're going to date each other then you need to accept each others social boundaries. Recognize that the social person will want you to share in her/his fun and activities. You also both need to be "present" and try to have fun while participating in said social activities with your significant other.

3)It is NOT ok for one person to always do all the choosing of said social activities. You should be choosing outings together as a couple or at least taking turns choosing where to go, what to do, who to hang out with. Nothing in a relationship should be purely one-sided, including social activities.

4) It is NOT ok for either person to ignore the other person's friends/family when social activities happen within one of your homes (or your shared home). No holing up in another room or zoning out in front of the TV or Computer that is RUDE. I don't care that your favorite show is on (that's what Tivo is for) or that there is this quest in your game that you just HAVE to complete right this minute because it's limited time only (too freaking bad, you'll get over it, I promise no one has ever died from missing an achievement on their game.)

Just like with everything else in a relationship this is about togetherness, compromise, sharing and your love and commitment for each other. If you refuse to step outside your boundaries for her/him or can't put aside your interests or habits for a few hours a few times a month to spend with her/his friends/family then it's time to ask yourself why. If this is truly a person whom you love, who you want happy etc then you should be willing to get to know her/him in her/his social sphere, meet and spend time with her/his family and put aside your interest on occasion to share in her/his. On the same token if she/he isn't willing to do the above for you then stop wasting your time and move on- you deserve better.

Best wishes in life and in love...

Letting it Slip...

In my opinion this is the number one reason that most relationships fail, be it "new relationships" that are under a year old or tried and true 15+ year relationships or even those that fall somewhere in between. At some point during the relationship one or both of the partners get lazy. They stop looking at their partner as someone important, special and integral in their life.They stop seeing their love and relationship as a wondrous gift to be treasured. They start taking it all for granted.

We, as a society, put so much emphasis into the courting process it is unbelievable, yet we refuse to put the same amount of effort into maintaining those same relationships, into making them stronger and better. Just think about all the effort that goes into courting; Expensive dinners, flattery, flowers, wine, compliments, elaborate gifts, etc all in an effort to woo and impress new potential partner after new potential partner. All that time, money and effort spent trying to impress someone you aren't even sure you'll be compatible with all in an effort to convince them that they are compatible with you and should give you a chance or at the very least, take you to bed.

Do me a favor and take a minute to think back and remember your last 2 previous relationships (for this exercise a relationship consists of 7 or more months). Now think back on the first 3-6 months of both those relationships, do a quick estimate on the amount of money and, time and effort that you put into those first few months, then compare that to the time effort and money spent in the last 2-3 months of those relationships. Notice a significant difference? A decrease in all of the above perhaps? If you do notice that, you are definitely not alone.

Now for those of you that are in current relationships of 6 or more months, take a minute and honestly think about the last time you randomly thought to yourself something along the lines of, "My partner is so wonderful/special I am so lucky to have him/her in my life"? When is the last time you showed your partner that you felt that way about them? Now compare how much time you spent in the beginning of your relationship; talking, walking, hand holding, cuddling, etc to how much time you spend together now. Do you notice a significant decrease? How about the quality of your time together, has that increased or decreased? Do you find yourself more often including others in your dates by going out in groups or to parties? Or maybe you spend more time at the movies, an activity that requires no connection or talking, than you used to. When was the last time you looked in your partners eyes and told them how much they mean to you, why they are so important to you, or some of the traits you love and admire about them? When is the last time you remember hearing any of those things from them? When was your last weekend away, out of the blue gift, special date planned?Do you often find yourself to be "present" during the time you spend with your partner or are you often busy with other things- such as video game playing, reading, watching a movie, talking to friends, texting, etc - and just count it as "together time' because you were both in the same room at the same time.?.When's the last time you asked (and honestly listened to the answer out of a true desire to know) how your partners day was? If you are having trouble answering these questions, it may be time for a change.

You cannot keep a relationship healthy if it is not being built upon. A relationship is a lot like water without the flow and currents of change, it grows stagnate. A relationship must grow and be constantly built upon and nourished if it is to flourish and remain healthy. You cannot coax and woo and win a significant other only to then immediately sit on your bum and never make another effort again while still expecting the relationship to survive. The work that goes into finding a partner and starting a relationship is like the warm-up before a really intense workout compared to the amount of work it takes to keep a relationship strong, healthy and happy.

Nurturing your heart, your partner, your relationship is extremely vital to the success of any and every relationship. The actions of nurturing your relationship, reminding your heart of who it fell for and why it fell in the first place does not just strengthen your relationship, but strengthens your love for your partner as well. A happy loving heart is a healthy heart. Your love will grow abundantly with every nurturing action you take, which only works to strengthen your own happiness and your relationship as well.

So now do me one last favor, stop reading this blog, turn off your computer, walk over to your significant other look them in hte eye and remind them, as well as yourself, why you fell for them in the first place. Once you've done that then take the rest of the evening to cuddle, talk and spend real quality time together, both of you fully present and see where that leads you.

Good luck in life & in love...

Money Wars...

Don't go getting defensive and patting your back pocket to make sure your wallet's in there. This post has nothing to do with guy's needing to earn a certain amount, pay for everything, spend atrocious amounts on holidays, anniversary's or engagement rings, etc etc. All that is as annoying to me as it is to you most likely and will be addressed later in a blog entitled "Money-grubbing sluts"...

This particular blog, however, is regarding the incapabilities of a large majority of the male gender to budget and save. I honestly cannot name the number of males I know or have had dealings with in the past who whine, whine, whine about bills not getting paid, needs not getting met and the lack of money they have only to do research and then find out that the important bills like phone, electric, car insurance could have been paid if he hadn't just spent $150+ on that new "must-have" collectors edition video game and insiders guide, or $150+ on that new ipod that holds a whole 50 more songs than his old one which is still in perfect working condition. Etc.

It's called PRIORITIZING people. And as much as the game and insiders guide may be more fun than paying your car insurance the car insurance is what keeps you from getting a ticketed fine, an impounded car fine, and a black mark on your driving record. While the new Ipod may be more fun to listen to and save you 15 minutes of time going through and deleting some old songs to make room for new, the PG&E bill is what provides heat in your house to keep your children from freezing to death or catching illnesses, it's also what allows you to cook food so none of your family starves. FUN is not the priority, being up to date with the "cool kids" on the latest fashion and game fun is NOT the priority, having the newest, coolest, or most expensive is NOT the priority.

Keeping yourself and your family fed, clothed, warm and safe is the priority, minimizing expenses by preventing things like $100+ tickets by keeping your car in good repair and fully insured and registered is the priority. Fun, new, cool, expensive, come later AFTER all the bills have been paid, animals have been cared for and food has been bought. THEN you can spend or save what's left on games, clothes, movies and fun.

Write a budget and STICK TO IT. Every time you think about fudging on it and splurging bill or food money on something you DON'T NEED, take a look at your children and then ask yourself if whatever you want is really worth STEALING from your kids. Because in essence, that's what you're doing every time you spend NEEDS money on WANTS: STEALING FROM YOUR KIDS.