Stop getting all bent out of shape at the term, yes even males can have tissy fits and a tissy fit by any other name is still a tissy fit so call it whatever you want, brooding, stewing, etc etc but knock it off.
Let me clarify what I mean by "tissy fit". Your significant other ticks you off, instead of growing some balls (or putting on your big girl panties, for the females reading this) manning up and telling your significant other what's bothering you and why so the two of you can fix it you go into pissed off stony silence mode. Pissed off stony silence mode comes complete with combative body stance, clenched jaws, dirty looks, stomping of feet, slamming of cabinets and doors, pointedly ignoring your significant other and just general douchebaggeryness. This is a male tissy fit and is NOT ok. Especially when this behavior is coming from one of those types of males that insist the girl sit down and talk it out, explain her feelings etc. Wanting your significant other to talk it out but allowing yourself to wallow in your tantrum and not talk it out is called hypocrisy- double standards are NOT ok!
So next time you're all bent out of shape and feel like slamming a door, cupboard, etc or even better get that urge to start throwing and kicking things do me a favor: take a deep breath, pull up the big boy boxers and talk it out like an ADULT. K? Thanks.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
The Anti-Socialist
No, I'm not talking about the political party.
I think one of the biggest difference in the genders is their levels of socialness. Girls are a pretty darn social bunch with good friends, best friends, neighbors, acquaintances and even enemies (frenemies) taking part in their social circle. Guys usually keep things a little more down-low, they keep their hanging out time to those they actually enjoy hanging out with and go out with friends much less often than most females do, content to sit back with friends at home with a beer and a ball game. This does not have to be a problem, but it can be.
Sometimes it's a problem because you are dating a "chick" (see future blog for definition)- this is not ok and a valid reason to break up with said chick. Sometimes it's a problem because you are anti-social and unwilling to step out of your comfort zone or away from your games, movies, etc - this is not ok and a valid reason for girlfriend to break up with you.
Balancing the social levels of two separate people as a couple can be difficult, if it's the right relationship however, it's worth it. Here's some tips:
1) It is NOT ok for either party to expect the other to go out with their friends, partying, etc 40%+ nights of each week (unless the other person is a social guy/girl who does these things on a regular basis anyway). Both parties need to accept that the other needs to have their own free time and time just to spend with their friends as well. Going out dancing/partying with your significant other 3-4 times a month though, would not be considered unreasonable.
2) It is NOT ok for either party to constantly "beg out" of social time with their significant others friends or family, nor is it ok to show up and then leave early on a flimsy and lame excuse on a regular basis either. If you're going to date each other then you need to accept each others social boundaries. Recognize that the social person will want you to share in her/his fun and activities. You also both need to be "present" and try to have fun while participating in said social activities with your significant other.
3)It is NOT ok for one person to always do all the choosing of said social activities. You should be choosing outings together as a couple or at least taking turns choosing where to go, what to do, who to hang out with. Nothing in a relationship should be purely one-sided, including social activities.
4) It is NOT ok for either person to ignore the other person's friends/family when social activities happen within one of your homes (or your shared home). No holing up in another room or zoning out in front of the TV or Computer that is RUDE. I don't care that your favorite show is on (that's what Tivo is for) or that there is this quest in your game that you just HAVE to complete right this minute because it's limited time only (too freaking bad, you'll get over it, I promise no one has ever died from missing an achievement on their game.)
Just like with everything else in a relationship this is about togetherness, compromise, sharing and your love and commitment for each other. If you refuse to step outside your boundaries for her/him or can't put aside your interests or habits for a few hours a few times a month to spend with her/his friends/family then it's time to ask yourself why. If this is truly a person whom you love, who you want happy etc then you should be willing to get to know her/him in her/his social sphere, meet and spend time with her/his family and put aside your interest on occasion to share in her/his. On the same token if she/he isn't willing to do the above for you then stop wasting your time and move on- you deserve better.
Best wishes in life and in love...
I think one of the biggest difference in the genders is their levels of socialness. Girls are a pretty darn social bunch with good friends, best friends, neighbors, acquaintances and even enemies (frenemies) taking part in their social circle. Guys usually keep things a little more down-low, they keep their hanging out time to those they actually enjoy hanging out with and go out with friends much less often than most females do, content to sit back with friends at home with a beer and a ball game. This does not have to be a problem, but it can be.
Sometimes it's a problem because you are dating a "chick" (see future blog for definition)- this is not ok and a valid reason to break up with said chick. Sometimes it's a problem because you are anti-social and unwilling to step out of your comfort zone or away from your games, movies, etc - this is not ok and a valid reason for girlfriend to break up with you.
Balancing the social levels of two separate people as a couple can be difficult, if it's the right relationship however, it's worth it. Here's some tips:
1) It is NOT ok for either party to expect the other to go out with their friends, partying, etc 40%+ nights of each week (unless the other person is a social guy/girl who does these things on a regular basis anyway). Both parties need to accept that the other needs to have their own free time and time just to spend with their friends as well. Going out dancing/partying with your significant other 3-4 times a month though, would not be considered unreasonable.
2) It is NOT ok for either party to constantly "beg out" of social time with their significant others friends or family, nor is it ok to show up and then leave early on a flimsy and lame excuse on a regular basis either. If you're going to date each other then you need to accept each others social boundaries. Recognize that the social person will want you to share in her/his fun and activities. You also both need to be "present" and try to have fun while participating in said social activities with your significant other.
3)It is NOT ok for one person to always do all the choosing of said social activities. You should be choosing outings together as a couple or at least taking turns choosing where to go, what to do, who to hang out with. Nothing in a relationship should be purely one-sided, including social activities.
4) It is NOT ok for either person to ignore the other person's friends/family when social activities happen within one of your homes (or your shared home). No holing up in another room or zoning out in front of the TV or Computer that is RUDE. I don't care that your favorite show is on (that's what Tivo is for) or that there is this quest in your game that you just HAVE to complete right this minute because it's limited time only (too freaking bad, you'll get over it, I promise no one has ever died from missing an achievement on their game.)
Just like with everything else in a relationship this is about togetherness, compromise, sharing and your love and commitment for each other. If you refuse to step outside your boundaries for her/him or can't put aside your interests or habits for a few hours a few times a month to spend with her/his friends/family then it's time to ask yourself why. If this is truly a person whom you love, who you want happy etc then you should be willing to get to know her/him in her/his social sphere, meet and spend time with her/his family and put aside your interest on occasion to share in her/his. On the same token if she/he isn't willing to do the above for you then stop wasting your time and move on- you deserve better.
Best wishes in life and in love...
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Letting it Slip...
In my opinion this is the number one reason that most relationships fail, be it "new relationships" that are under a year old or tried and true 15+ year relationships or even those that fall somewhere in between. At some point during the relationship one or both of the partners get lazy. They stop looking at their partner as someone important, special and integral in their life.They stop seeing their love and relationship as a wondrous gift to be treasured. They start taking it all for granted.
We, as a society, put so much emphasis into the courting process it is unbelievable, yet we refuse to put the same amount of effort into maintaining those same relationships, into making them stronger and better. Just think about all the effort that goes into courting; Expensive dinners, flattery, flowers, wine, compliments, elaborate gifts, etc all in an effort to woo and impress new potential partner after new potential partner. All that time, money and effort spent trying to impress someone you aren't even sure you'll be compatible with all in an effort to convince them that they are compatible with you and should give you a chance or at the very least, take you to bed.
Do me a favor and take a minute to think back and remember your last 2 previous relationships (for this exercise a relationship consists of 7 or more months). Now think back on the first 3-6 months of both those relationships, do a quick estimate on the amount of money and, time and effort that you put into those first few months, then compare that to the time effort and money spent in the last 2-3 months of those relationships. Notice a significant difference? A decrease in all of the above perhaps? If you do notice that, you are definitely not alone.
Now for those of you that are in current relationships of 6 or more months, take a minute and honestly think about the last time you randomly thought to yourself something along the lines of, "My partner is so wonderful/special I am so lucky to have him/her in my life"? When is the last time you showed your partner that you felt that way about them? Now compare how much time you spent in the beginning of your relationship; talking, walking, hand holding, cuddling, etc to how much time you spend together now. Do you notice a significant decrease? How about the quality of your time together, has that increased or decreased? Do you find yourself more often including others in your dates by going out in groups or to parties? Or maybe you spend more time at the movies, an activity that requires no connection or talking, than you used to. When was the last time you looked in your partners eyes and told them how much they mean to you, why they are so important to you, or some of the traits you love and admire about them? When is the last time you remember hearing any of those things from them? When was your last weekend away, out of the blue gift, special date planned?Do you often find yourself to be "present" during the time you spend with your partner or are you often busy with other things- such as video game playing, reading, watching a movie, talking to friends, texting, etc - and just count it as "together time' because you were both in the same room at the same time.?.When's the last time you asked (and honestly listened to the answer out of a true desire to know) how your partners day was? If you are having trouble answering these questions, it may be time for a change.
You cannot keep a relationship healthy if it is not being built upon. A relationship is a lot like water without the flow and currents of change, it grows stagnate. A relationship must grow and be constantly built upon and nourished if it is to flourish and remain healthy. You cannot coax and woo and win a significant other only to then immediately sit on your bum and never make another effort again while still expecting the relationship to survive. The work that goes into finding a partner and starting a relationship is like the warm-up before a really intense workout compared to the amount of work it takes to keep a relationship strong, healthy and happy.
Nurturing your heart, your partner, your relationship is extremely vital to the success of any and every relationship. The actions of nurturing your relationship, reminding your heart of who it fell for and why it fell in the first place does not just strengthen your relationship, but strengthens your love for your partner as well. A happy loving heart is a healthy heart. Your love will grow abundantly with every nurturing action you take, which only works to strengthen your own happiness and your relationship as well.
So now do me one last favor, stop reading this blog, turn off your computer, walk over to your significant other look them in hte eye and remind them, as well as yourself, why you fell for them in the first place. Once you've done that then take the rest of the evening to cuddle, talk and spend real quality time together, both of you fully present and see where that leads you.
Good luck in life & in love...
We, as a society, put so much emphasis into the courting process it is unbelievable, yet we refuse to put the same amount of effort into maintaining those same relationships, into making them stronger and better. Just think about all the effort that goes into courting; Expensive dinners, flattery, flowers, wine, compliments, elaborate gifts, etc all in an effort to woo and impress new potential partner after new potential partner. All that time, money and effort spent trying to impress someone you aren't even sure you'll be compatible with all in an effort to convince them that they are compatible with you and should give you a chance or at the very least, take you to bed.
Do me a favor and take a minute to think back and remember your last 2 previous relationships (for this exercise a relationship consists of 7 or more months). Now think back on the first 3-6 months of both those relationships, do a quick estimate on the amount of money and, time and effort that you put into those first few months, then compare that to the time effort and money spent in the last 2-3 months of those relationships. Notice a significant difference? A decrease in all of the above perhaps? If you do notice that, you are definitely not alone.
Now for those of you that are in current relationships of 6 or more months, take a minute and honestly think about the last time you randomly thought to yourself something along the lines of, "My partner is so wonderful/special I am so lucky to have him/her in my life"? When is the last time you showed your partner that you felt that way about them? Now compare how much time you spent in the beginning of your relationship; talking, walking, hand holding, cuddling, etc to how much time you spend together now. Do you notice a significant decrease? How about the quality of your time together, has that increased or decreased? Do you find yourself more often including others in your dates by going out in groups or to parties? Or maybe you spend more time at the movies, an activity that requires no connection or talking, than you used to. When was the last time you looked in your partners eyes and told them how much they mean to you, why they are so important to you, or some of the traits you love and admire about them? When is the last time you remember hearing any of those things from them? When was your last weekend away, out of the blue gift, special date planned?Do you often find yourself to be "present" during the time you spend with your partner or are you often busy with other things- such as video game playing, reading, watching a movie, talking to friends, texting, etc - and just count it as "together time' because you were both in the same room at the same time.?.When's the last time you asked (and honestly listened to the answer out of a true desire to know) how your partners day was? If you are having trouble answering these questions, it may be time for a change.
You cannot keep a relationship healthy if it is not being built upon. A relationship is a lot like water without the flow and currents of change, it grows stagnate. A relationship must grow and be constantly built upon and nourished if it is to flourish and remain healthy. You cannot coax and woo and win a significant other only to then immediately sit on your bum and never make another effort again while still expecting the relationship to survive. The work that goes into finding a partner and starting a relationship is like the warm-up before a really intense workout compared to the amount of work it takes to keep a relationship strong, healthy and happy.
Nurturing your heart, your partner, your relationship is extremely vital to the success of any and every relationship. The actions of nurturing your relationship, reminding your heart of who it fell for and why it fell in the first place does not just strengthen your relationship, but strengthens your love for your partner as well. A happy loving heart is a healthy heart. Your love will grow abundantly with every nurturing action you take, which only works to strengthen your own happiness and your relationship as well.
So now do me one last favor, stop reading this blog, turn off your computer, walk over to your significant other look them in hte eye and remind them, as well as yourself, why you fell for them in the first place. Once you've done that then take the rest of the evening to cuddle, talk and spend real quality time together, both of you fully present and see where that leads you.
Good luck in life & in love...
Monday, January 2, 2012
Money Wars...
Don't go getting defensive and patting your back pocket to make sure your wallet's in there. This post has nothing to do with guy's needing to earn a certain amount, pay for everything, spend atrocious amounts on holidays, anniversary's or engagement rings, etc etc. All that is as annoying to me as it is to you most likely and will be addressed later in a blog entitled "Money-grubbing sluts"...
This particular blog, however, is regarding the incapabilities of a large majority of the male gender to budget and save. I honestly cannot name the number of males I know or have had dealings with in the past who whine, whine, whine about bills not getting paid, needs not getting met and the lack of money they have only to do research and then find out that the important bills like phone, electric, car insurance could have been paid if he hadn't just spent $150+ on that new "must-have" collectors edition video game and insiders guide, or $150+ on that new ipod that holds a whole 50 more songs than his old one which is still in perfect working condition. Etc.
It's called PRIORITIZING people. And as much as the game and insiders guide may be more fun than paying your car insurance the car insurance is what keeps you from getting a ticketed fine, an impounded car fine, and a black mark on your driving record. While the new Ipod may be more fun to listen to and save you 15 minutes of time going through and deleting some old songs to make room for new, the PG&E bill is what provides heat in your house to keep your children from freezing to death or catching illnesses, it's also what allows you to cook food so none of your family starves. FUN is not the priority, being up to date with the "cool kids" on the latest fashion and game fun is NOT the priority, having the newest, coolest, or most expensive is NOT the priority.
Keeping yourself and your family fed, clothed, warm and safe is the priority, minimizing expenses by preventing things like $100+ tickets by keeping your car in good repair and fully insured and registered is the priority. Fun, new, cool, expensive, come later AFTER all the bills have been paid, animals have been cared for and food has been bought. THEN you can spend or save what's left on games, clothes, movies and fun.
Write a budget and STICK TO IT. Every time you think about fudging on it and splurging bill or food money on something you DON'T NEED, take a look at your children and then ask yourself if whatever you want is really worth STEALING from your kids. Because in essence, that's what you're doing every time you spend NEEDS money on WANTS: STEALING FROM YOUR KIDS.
This particular blog, however, is regarding the incapabilities of a large majority of the male gender to budget and save. I honestly cannot name the number of males I know or have had dealings with in the past who whine, whine, whine about bills not getting paid, needs not getting met and the lack of money they have only to do research and then find out that the important bills like phone, electric, car insurance could have been paid if he hadn't just spent $150+ on that new "must-have" collectors edition video game and insiders guide, or $150+ on that new ipod that holds a whole 50 more songs than his old one which is still in perfect working condition. Etc.
It's called PRIORITIZING people. And as much as the game and insiders guide may be more fun than paying your car insurance the car insurance is what keeps you from getting a ticketed fine, an impounded car fine, and a black mark on your driving record. While the new Ipod may be more fun to listen to and save you 15 minutes of time going through and deleting some old songs to make room for new, the PG&E bill is what provides heat in your house to keep your children from freezing to death or catching illnesses, it's also what allows you to cook food so none of your family starves. FUN is not the priority, being up to date with the "cool kids" on the latest fashion and game fun is NOT the priority, having the newest, coolest, or most expensive is NOT the priority.
Keeping yourself and your family fed, clothed, warm and safe is the priority, minimizing expenses by preventing things like $100+ tickets by keeping your car in good repair and fully insured and registered is the priority. Fun, new, cool, expensive, come later AFTER all the bills have been paid, animals have been cared for and food has been bought. THEN you can spend or save what's left on games, clothes, movies and fun.
Write a budget and STICK TO IT. Every time you think about fudging on it and splurging bill or food money on something you DON'T NEED, take a look at your children and then ask yourself if whatever you want is really worth STEALING from your kids. Because in essence, that's what you're doing every time you spend NEEDS money on WANTS: STEALING FROM YOUR KIDS.
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