My Own Worst Enemy

I'm in a relationship in which he only wants me if I'm wanted by someone else - started flirting with a random internet boy who found me gorgeous, smart, funny, and confident- boy did that light a temporary fire. We talked, and it really seemed like that would resolve things but that was a joke. We had two weeks of sex to rival our early-relationship sex and boy had I missed that, that was wonderful. We started spending a little time cuddling and talking instead of him avoiding me via his computer and phone games and me wallowing in facebook and kindle books from sheer boredom and lonliness. It lasted about 2 weeks.

I think it really hit home that nothing was ever going to really change and that I was right - he's not in love with me and never will be- when I had surgery. The night before the girls leave for girls camp I have an attack of appendicitis. I ask him to take me to the hospital. He does. After a while he leaves because he has things to do at home; take a shower and get ready to take the girls to the camp bus stop. I stay in the hospital- my most loathed and dreaded place- alone. I let him know via text that I need a CT scan and that I'm afraid. He blows off my fear and I have the CT scan alone. He comes back in time to get the results that I will need surgery to remove my appendix and then leaves me again with belittling words at my tears and fear of surgery and a pat on the head as he leaves to wake the girls up and take them. As he leaves he lets me know he has work and no intention of returning. It was my SISTER who rallied the troops. I text to ask if one of them was available to babysit while Lee worked and I got my insides removed. And she checked to see if I had someone there with me not only because she knows me and how terrifying this would be for me, but because that's what you do for family- its what you do for those you love.

She picked up my kids,  my other sister got her husband to stay awake after working the night shift to watch HER kids and then called my step mom and they came to stay  with me while Lee stayed home and SLEPT. He arrived at the 9th hour and then left again to eat so it was my step mom that went with me to the prep room, she held my hand while they asked questions and had me sign paperwork, she kept me occupied while we waited for the anethesiologist. He sat in the cafeteria and ate.

The next day I'm home. I'm trying to get stuff done and not do too much at the same time and he's listing things he has to do this week to prepare for going out of state with his (real) family. Where will I, the girl who's been out of surgery less than 24 hrs at this point be? Ill be home, alone, unable to drive, barely able to walk, taking care of kids, dogs, and the house by myself.

Wednesday he again mentions leaving, and again on thursday while I'm in pain with headaches, nausea, and have had total constipation since leaving  the hospital. His reply to my symptoms? I need to call the hospital to find out how serious it is because he needs to basically know if I'm sick enough to fuck  up his plans. Ladies hold yourselves back- don't let your jealousy overtake you, he's quite the catch. Friday he leaves while I'm throwing up into a bowl. Just walks out the door like; 'See ya, hope you don't have an actual emergency while I'm gone cuz I'd hate to have to clean up the mess a dead body would make'.

No calls, no texts, no concern shown in the slightest while he's gone. And yet I'm still here. In a relationship with a boy that shows concern only if its convenient for him or doesn't fuck with his plans. A boy who only wants me if he's masturbating to someone else and I make a convenient hole or if someone else wants me and he fears he may lose me to them. But at least he gives in to duty once a week and fucks me for me, not because he actually wants me, but because he knows I have a high sex drive. Sweet of him to consider my feelings.

Wish he would have considered those before his diatribe about marrying me after my aunt mentioned it to him, and how that was basically the most distasteful thing he could ever consider. My impression was that if there was me in a white dress  with a preacher on one side and a vat of acid on the other - he'd choose to jump in the vat of acid over marrying me. Never felt so special, loved, and cared for in my life. Really.

And I'm still here. Truth is I will be here until the day I die- quite possibly by my own hand- because I'm pathetic and I'm weak.

Why Marriage is important.

Even a few months ago you never would have gotten this blog from me. I didn't "get" it then, I felt marriage was over-hyped and have for most of my life. This is probably due to my own parents craptastic marriage and hideous divorce coupled with their occasional fights and threats of divorce from their second marriages on top of my own hideous marriage and divorce. I have been in a good relationship of over 5 years with a guy I fell in love with and then ran from back in high-school. Why did I run? Because love scared the crap out of me. It still does in a way. Our relationship works for us for the most part, we have our moments- everyone does - but we work together fairly well. I've been negative on marriage due to my past and hes been negative on marriage because he feels its a raw deal for guys when/if the marriage goes sour.

That was fine with me in the beginning. It wasnt until recently that his attitude toward marriage started to bug me  and my attitude toward marriage started to change.

I realized that I still want what I've always wanted; to share my life openly with the man I love above all others, to share that love with the world, to have my children raised in a loving, solid, stable, legally binding relationship. To not feel like I'm failing them, to not have themselves feel that they're inferior because they're "illegitimate".  To be able to one day be sealed and binded together eternally as a family which can't happen without marriage. I want that most of all - an ETERNAL FAMILY.

And I want respect. I want the respect of the man I love to stop treating me like random selfish bitches he's read about on the internet or heard about from friends. He's SEEN me in action, he KNOWS from first-hand experience (and I would hope his heart would know as well)  that I am not a "rake someone over the coals" person. He KNOWS that the ONLY thing that matters to me is the BEST INTEREST OF MY CHILDREN. Period. And that I will lay down and be a doormat if I think that would ensure their best interests. Not only has he witnessed it first-hand he's personally belittled me for it. So he should know better than to lump me in with those people. Their should be nothing holding him back- except his own feelings -or lack thereof- for me.

So his attitude,  the one that says "I would rather be boiled in oil than ever even  consider marrying you" hurts. A lot. 

Why Does Doing What's Right In Love Have To Hurt So F***ing Much?

Saying goodbye sucks. Whether the relationship is 5 minutes or 15 years- if it was a real relationship with real emotions involved- ending it hurts like a B***! But you know what else hurts? Loving someone whose actions tell you they don't feel the same way, loving someone who disrespects or ignores your thoughts/feelings/concerns on matters that concern both of you and just makes the choice that's best for him/her, loving someone who acts as though you and your feelings don't matter, loving someone who refuses to share important life events with you. Don't fool yourself, don't buy the lip service and don't settle just because you think you should. You deserve better and if they can't be that better then they don't deserve you. Saying goodbye hurts but staying would ultimately hurt worse. Now it's time to work on moving on. For you. Because you're worth it.

Relationship Etiquette

You know, everyone talks about how everything would be so much easier if things in every day life came with manuals such as; relationships, raising kids, etc. So I'm here to make everything better for you. This blog is your relationship manual guide in very simple, easy to follow steps on how not to screw up your relationship. 1.) Don't lie. 2.) Keep your promises. If you say you're going to do something then do it, do not fall back on excuses. 3.) Communicate. This does not mean talk the other person to death, just be open and honest and listen to what your partner has to say as well. If you have a problem talk it out, if you suspect a problem then ask your partner about it and get it solved. No jumping to conclusions or verbally shutting down. 4.) Put the other person's feelings first. A relationship doesn't work when one or more person in it is being a selfish douchewad. Avoid douchewadness by always asking yourself how your partner would be affected by your decisions/actions and also how they feel and what they would want before making any decisions that affect you both. 5.) Be faithful. If you cant keep it in your pants or keep your legs closed then I have a tip for you; stick to one night stands and don't enter relationships. If you end up falling for someone else while already in a relationship then pull up the big boy boxers or the big girl panties and break up with your current partner before screwing your new love interest- it's called respect, you owe them that much. 6.) If you aren't willing to commit then let them go. Living with someone for 5 years but being afraid to sign a paper making it legal is LAME. Stop with the excuses. Either you intend to be with this person for the majority (hopefully all) of the rest of your life or you don't. And if you haven't figured out which it is after 5 years then you're too retarded to live, quite frankly. Stop wasting both your time. Get out and move on or at least allow your partner to do so. 7.) If your feelings change then BE HONEST. Don't start emotionally pulling back and spending less and less time with them leaving them to wonder where the hell they screwed up or what they need to do to change or fix things. It's a waste of time to let a relationship that is already dead for you linger on for months or years just because you're too damn cowardly to speak up. Man (or woman) up and make a clean break. 8.) Don't be a quitter. Relationships take work, they don't maintain themselves. No relationship is perfect. You need to be willing to whether the storms and put your effort in when needed. This may mean talking, going to counseling, living on a budget, etc. But all those things are worth it if you truly love the person you're with. 9.) Don't let it get stale. I don't care how long you've been dating or married, how many kids you have or how little time in the week you have free, date nights are imperative. Sexual ingenuity and spontaneity is also just as important. So is having fun, goofing off and remembering to be friends. 10.) If you don't have trust your relationship is dead in the water. If you break trust but are lucky enough to get a second chance then do 2 things: 1) work your ass off showing that you are never going to be untrustworthy again and 2) realize that trust is not an instant thing- earning it back will take some time. While realizing that respect your partners feelings even if they seem paranoid or irrational, its how they feel and they have a right to feel that way. Help them work through their feelings, because until you do they will not learn to trust you again.

People Are A Complicated Mess Of Ridiculousness...

I will never understand people as a general whole, I just won't, people every day are doing things that I just cant wrap my head around. Some of these things are more tragic than others like murders, abuse, etc but there are plenty of little things that are just as confounding. Take, for example, the following example: We have a female with children fighting a horrific custody battle with her exhusband, her current significant other is constantly berating the selfish actions of the exhusband. Recently the couple was talking and the female made a joke about how breaking up with her would solve whatever it was the boyfriend was complaining about. The boyfriend responded that breaking up wouldn't solve anything because then he'd have to fight a custody battle with her for their daughter and would hate her if she won etc etc etc.... Please explain to me why people feel its ok to vilify one person for actions that they know darn well they would do themselves in the same situation. This guy has nothing good to say about the ex husband talks about how he's a selfish POS for what hes pulling etc but without even blinking, totally serious as a response to a joke with no hesitation he proclaims his intention to participate in the exact same behavior he abhors in the other person if she and he ever break up. This makes NO SENSE to me. That's like crap talking a smoker and refusing to date them then going outside and lighting one up yourself. WTF?

Don't Cross The Invisible Line

We all have one and it's different for each individual but if you've been with someone for awhile you generally know them well enough to at least have an idea of where their invisible line rests. For some people it's as simple as not being a lover of their favorite animal for others its personal space. I fall into the latter category, Im willing to put up with a lot when I love someone but checking my mail, reading my texts, going through my phone or TELLING YOUR OR MY FAMILY MY PERSONAL SHIT that is, quite frankly, none of their damn business does nothing but PISS ME OFF. Am I over-reacting here? I don't think so. My family knows none of the skeletons in my S.O's closet, why? because it is not their skeletons nor any of their business- so why, pray tell, does his family know MY skeletons? Can someone please fucking enlighten me on this? I'm seriously at the point where Im about ready to say fuck my rule about respecting others privacy and having others mind their own business and instead start sharing personal and private secrets that could negatively effect the opinions anyone who hears these secrets used to hold regarding the person whose secrets I would be sharing- fuck turn the other cheek I'm about ready to grab my sword and play "eye for an eye". The limit has been reached. Here's to everyone who's reading this' limits and the hopes that your limits are not surpassed by the people you choose to love.

I almost asked you to marry me today...

So there I am cleaning the house, listening to music and the song "Quitter" by Carrie Underwood comes on. I find myself actually listening to the words instead of just humming along obliviously like usual and I realize that this song epitomizes me, my past relationships and our present relationship. I'm poised to run, almost all the time and you just patiently pull me down from that edge and keep me here where I belong, where I feel comfortable, where I'm loved and happy. In a moment of what can only be termed as temporary insanity, I hopped on youtube to find the song, in my head is typing out the comment I'm going to leave with it when I post it to your facebook wall; something along the lines of "I'm so glad I'm no longer a quitter, Lee David Toland will you marry me?".Sometime between hopping onto the computer and typing the song title into google, cooler heads prevailed. I realized how humiliating it would be to have to explain to the entire "public" that had witnessed the display that you had turned me down, or even worse patted me on the head with a condescending look and tone the way you did when I told you about my conversation with Kylene and how I had thought of proposing to you that day. "That's really cute but..." is not what a girl wants to hear when she lays her heart on the line. So for now I remain content to be forever your live-in girlfriend, but I'll be staying away from Carrie Underwood songs for a while...I won't lie and say that things like this don't cause all sorts of doubts to run through my head but I'm trying to work through it. I think we are both worth the work, and so is our love. I know you have to do way more work because I'm a hell of a lot more frustrating to you than you are to me, of course part of that is just because I don't allow myself to become as easily frustrated as you do. I do appreciate all the efforts you make just in putting up with me and I'm sure our daughter does as well. I love you but I won't be proposing to you any time soon.