I'm in a relationship in which he only wants me if I'm wanted by someone else - started flirting with a random internet boy who found me gorgeous, smart, funny, and confident- boy did that light a temporary fire. We talked, and it really seemed like that would resolve things but that was a joke. We had two weeks of sex to rival our early-relationship sex and boy had I missed that, that was wonderful. We started spending a little time cuddling and talking instead of him avoiding me via his computer and phone games and me wallowing in facebook and kindle books from sheer boredom and lonliness. It lasted about 2 weeks.
I think it really hit home that nothing was ever going to really change and that I was right - he's not in love with me and never will be- when I had surgery. The night before the girls leave for girls camp I have an attack of appendicitis. I ask him to take me to the hospital. He does. After a while he leaves because he has things to do at home; take a shower and get ready to take the girls to the camp bus stop. I stay in the hospital- my most loathed and dreaded place- alone. I let him know via text that I need a CT scan and that I'm afraid. He blows off my fear and I have the CT scan alone. He comes back in time to get the results that I will need surgery to remove my appendix and then leaves me again with belittling words at my tears and fear of surgery and a pat on the head as he leaves to wake the girls up and take them. As he leaves he lets me know he has work and no intention of returning. It was my SISTER who rallied the troops. I text to ask if one of them was available to babysit while Lee worked and I got my insides removed. And she checked to see if I had someone there with me not only because she knows me and how terrifying this would be for me, but because that's what you do for family- its what you do for those you love.
She picked up my kids, my other sister got her husband to stay awake after working the night shift to watch HER kids and then called my step mom and they came to stay with me while Lee stayed home and SLEPT. He arrived at the 9th hour and then left again to eat so it was my step mom that went with me to the prep room, she held my hand while they asked questions and had me sign paperwork, she kept me occupied while we waited for the anethesiologist. He sat in the cafeteria and ate.
The next day I'm home. I'm trying to get stuff done and not do too much at the same time and he's listing things he has to do this week to prepare for going out of state with his (real) family. Where will I, the girl who's been out of surgery less than 24 hrs at this point be? Ill be home, alone, unable to drive, barely able to walk, taking care of kids, dogs, and the house by myself.
Wednesday he again mentions leaving, and again on thursday while I'm in pain with headaches, nausea, and have had total constipation since leaving the hospital. His reply to my symptoms? I need to call the hospital to find out how serious it is because he needs to basically know if I'm sick enough to fuck up his plans. Ladies hold yourselves back- don't let your jealousy overtake you, he's quite the catch. Friday he leaves while I'm throwing up into a bowl. Just walks out the door like; 'See ya, hope you don't have an actual emergency while I'm gone cuz I'd hate to have to clean up the mess a dead body would make'.
No calls, no texts, no concern shown in the slightest while he's gone. And yet I'm still here. In a relationship with a boy that shows concern only if its convenient for him or doesn't fuck with his plans. A boy who only wants me if he's masturbating to someone else and I make a convenient hole or if someone else wants me and he fears he may lose me to them. But at least he gives in to duty once a week and fucks me for me, not because he actually wants me, but because he knows I have a high sex drive. Sweet of him to consider my feelings.
Wish he would have considered those before his diatribe about marrying me after my aunt mentioned it to him, and how that was basically the most distasteful thing he could ever consider. My impression was that if there was me in a white dress with a preacher on one side and a vat of acid on the other - he'd choose to jump in the vat of acid over marrying me. Never felt so special, loved, and cared for in my life. Really.
And I'm still here. Truth is I will be here until the day I die- quite possibly by my own hand- because I'm pathetic and I'm weak.
